NASDAQ Halts Trading Because DON’T PANIC!

This is why all our investments are in gold and potatoes, both of which are buried in an underground shelter:

U.S. stock exchanges on Thursday halted trading in all securities listed on theNasdaq Stock Marketbecause of a technical issue, exchange officials said.

The “technical issue” most certainly not being the end of civilization, haha!

A spokesman for Nasdaq declined further comment.

Instead, he began weeping, clutching a rosary tightly to his chest, and murmuring something inaudible about the “end of days.”

The issue stemmed from a data feed that provides market data for Nasdaq-listed securities, the exchanges said in notices sent to traders.

Blah-blah-blah, just heed our financial advice and prepare yourself for the “Mad Max” future that surely awaits us by next Tuesday or so.*

* Note: Financial advice from Philadelphia Magazine’s The Scoop probably shouldn’t be heeded. At all.