The 10 Worst People You Will Meet at the Jersey Shore, Ranked
It’s summer. That means lots of fun in the Jersey Shore sun, copious amounts of Manco & Manco pizza, and, of course, incredibly irritating beachgoers who don’t know how to act in public. Here are the ten worst.
#10: Stressed-Out Jersey Shore Parents
Ocean City is a nice little Jersey Shore beach town.
Well, other than the ridiculous blue laws that don’t even let you BYO wine to the Italian restaurant down the street for Friday night dinner, a concept completely inconceivable to me. Chicken parm without chianti?
But the biggest problem in Ocean City is that it is, due to its status as “America’s Greatest Family Resort,” simply overrun by swarms of children and their extremely stressed-out parents who:
- Jam-pack the boardwalk with bulky stroller
- Bicker with one another about how often little Oliver needs to reapply sunscreen
- Yell at the kids when, after buying them pricey all-day wristbands for the amusement piers, they discover that the tots are done after two rides and some funnel cake
#9: The Beach DJ
When the average person drags a chair to the beach at the Jersey Shore, they are doing so to:
- Enjoy the peace and quiet
- Read a book
- Allow the sounds of the ocean to lull them into a state of something approximating zen
Nothing stifles all of this quite as much as the guy a few chairs over playing the Bruce Springsteen station on his Sirius XM app all afternoon.
Yes, he knows that earbuds exist. He’s simply too narcissistic and selfish to use them. Borderline sociopath.
#8: Wannabe Soft-Porn Stars
Aka couples who take PDA to the extreme while on the beach at the Jersey Shore. You know who you are. Good rule of thumb: Keep your tongue in your mouth.
#7: Jersey Shore Seagull Feeders
There’s quite literally nothing to be done about those terrifying flies that bite you and leave welts all over your body.
But the impact of the other fauna scourge of the Jersey Shore — these cockroaches of the skies — can be mitigated by simply not feeding them. It’s really that easy.
#6 and #5: Kite and Drone Enthusiasts
Once, I watched as a young lad flying a rather sizable kite (not one of those flimsy Atlantic City Boardwalk 99-cent store models but, rather, something that could really take your eye out) nearly impaled a sunbathing woman, who just happened to look up at the right moment and get out of the way with about a half-second to spare.
Later, a quadcopter drone came buzzing by. Within moments, it became clear that the drone pilot was trying to antagonize and/or injure the seagulls. And, granted, there’s no love lost for seagulls here (see #7), but a drone pilot attacking the foul (but helpless) beasts is even worse. And then, dude hovered the drone (no doubt with an onboard camera) above two tween girls standing in the ocean. Creepy!
You get to the Jersey Shore early to secure a prime spot on the beach only to have some jerks roll in and set up right in front of or right next to you.
If you can smell my White House Italian hoagie, you are sitting too close.
#3: Towel Shakers
Inevitably, they shake out their sand-logged towels while standing right next to you. Bordering on Satanic.
#2: The Flag People
This seems to be especially prevalent in the Southern Jersey Shore area, i.e. the Wildwoods and Cape May. But examples can be found all over. People who feel obliged to fly flags at their beach spot displaying their politics. I’ve seen Donald Trump as Rambo. I’ve seen “Fuck Joe Biden.” Can’t we all just agree to leave the politics at home?
#1: Spray Sunscreen Users
There are two types of people at the Jersey Shore: those who believe that spray sunscreen is the best thing ever and those who understand it for the threat to mankind that it is. Make your ancestors, your god, and your country proud —be the latter.