The Best Thing That Happened This Week: Thank U, Amazon, Next!

You don't deserve us, if you want to know the truth.

It happens so often, really, that it’s become a cliché: You meet the guy of your dreams. You fall hard, hard like week-old soft pretzels. You try everything you can think of to catch his eye (décolletageflash of leg, tossing around the big bucks), until your dignity is in tatters, until you embarrass yourself with your own groveling neediness. But it works, and for a while, things look great! A relationship builds! He even meets your folks! And then, out of the blue, with no warning—he blows you off.  Just like that. Spurns you for another—no, two other!—babes. Leaves you lonesome and blue and picking up the shattered pieces of your heart. What a freaking dog.

But you know what, girl? You’re better than this. You’re better than him. You have a whole big bright future ahead of you, one that isn’t stamped with a dumb-looking logo and doesn’t subject workers to inhumane conditions while it tries to break even management’s spirits. You are a WINNER! You are a CHAMPION! You have what it takes to rise above this and THRIVE! So fuck you, Jeff, and the horse you rode in on. Honey, what do you say we get GoPuff to bring us some cookies and beer?