Gay Marriage: No Ducks About It

The rant heard around the world

Remember when Queer Duck came out of the closet?

“If homosexuality spreads,” writes a teen to a local newspaper, “it can cause human evolution to come to a standstill. It could threaten the human position on the evolutionary ladder, and say, ducks could take over the world.”

If you’re scratching your head, don’t feel bad. We are, too. Ever since we caught wind of what one 14-year-old teen from New Zealand wrote to her paper about LGBT rights and gay marriage (all we know about her is that she’s home-schooled ) we’ve been trying to draw as many connections between gays and ducks and ducks and gays as possible. Aside from Queer Duck (remember him?) we’re at a bit of a loss.

It seems as though the letter was inspired by the marriage equality debate that’s heating up down under when local politicians cast their first votes in favor of same-sex nuptials. Take note, America, the New Zealand marriage equality bill is said to be inspired by President Obama’s own support of the issue.

But not every 14-year-old (or writer posing as a 14-year-old, perhaps?) is thrilled by the prospect of gay and lesbian couples living happily ever after.

Here’s her “smarter than a fifth grader” rationale: “Ducks always nest in pairs and if we allow same-sex marriage, then ducks will have evolved further than we have. We will be in danger of all being equal, with ducks being more equal than us.”

The horror! Does this mean that Daffy and Donald could have something more going on than we ever knew? And what about those penguins at the Central Park Zoo? Are they taking over, too? Well, tar and feather us because we always assumed that just because gay marriage is legalized doesn’t mean that everyone will jump at the chance to tie the same-sex knot. Like straight people.

Here’s our rationale: Heterosexuals will always prefer nesting with those of the opposite sex (and likewise – marrying them) and even plenty of gays, lesbians and bisexuals would rather duck and cover than actually walk down the aisle any time soon. The fact is legalizing same-sex marriage won’t be turning our straight friends (ducks or otherwise) gay or making our single-for-life gay friends want to shack up and register at Target.

Plus, some ducks are already drawn that gay. Really. Check it out: