Announcing the Cast of Rittenhouse Square, the Reality Show

From Marc Vetri's parents to Chuck Peruto.

There’s a rumor going around town that casting is underway for a docudrama titled Rittenhouse Square. Now, this is not going to be The Real Housewives of Rittenhouse Square, a show that’s been a rumor but never a reality for years. No, this particular reality show idea, said to be backed by one of the folks behind Kid Nation (Lord of the Flies in the New Mexico desert—ring a bell?), will follow the comings and goings of Philadelphia’s poshest zip code and the colorful people who live or just spend way too much time there. So to aid the producers in their search for the best that RitHo has to offer, here’s a short list that would actually make for “good” TV.

Sharon Pinkenson
As the executive director of the Greater Philadelphia Film Office, her inclusion would guarantee that Colin Farrell and Will Smith would do cameos. OK, so maybe Sigourney Weaver. Readily admits to carrying around a drink card with instructions for making The Pinky, her personal cocktail. The hair itself would warrant a spinoff.

The Woman in the Big Fur Hat
You know, the lady with the cigarette holder. Yeah, that one.

Marisa Magnatta

The Preston & Steve on-air personality loves her some Rouge and helps bring the mean age of the cast out of the 60s. Plus, she’s no teetotaler, as demonstrated in “The Blackout Video.”

Chuck Peruto
Has no shame, which makes him solid gold as far as reality TV is concerned. And with his impossibly constant tan, no makeup required.

Rob and Maggie Wasserman
Rouge will almost be a character in and of itself, and the husband and wife team behind it will provide a much-needed cute couple element. Plus, there’s the omnipresent threat of a Neil Stein sighting to shake things up a bit. A ratings bonanza!

Peter Breslow
A necessary stirrer of the gossip pot. The trick is finding a way to keep him from name-dropping his clients every time the camera is pointed in his general direction. Did I mention that I got these jeans at Charlie’s? Dude. Doesn’t my ass look awesome in these jeans?

Arthur Kade
He’s going to show up regardless, so you might as well write him in. Make it a contractual requirement that he go shirtless at least once each season. The man probably has names for each pec.

Matt Canno and Gabrielle Snyder
Who will and who won’t get invited to their legendary penthouse terrace movie screenings?

Barbara and Sal Vetri
The chef’s parents tend to stay out of the limelight, but they’re a trip and a half. Ma Vetri is always dressed in cowboy hats and rhinestones (oh, you didn’t know she was Marc’s mom?) and is the resident antagonist of 220 West Rittenhouse Square. Dad has terrific thick, black glasses a la Martin Scorsese.

Bennett Weinstock
Every television show should have its very own Thurston Howell III.

The Severe Hostess at Parc
She with the vague Frenchness and Diana Vreeland hair.

CA Conrad

Perhaps what is missing from TV these days is a poet. An angry poet at that. Need to balance out the one percent (okay, so maybe five percent) quotient. He’s a Pew fellow and describes himself as “the son of white trash asphyxiation.” Perhaps he could be the narrator, offering his incisive commentary on each episode from a bathtub at the Dorchester.

Wendy and Paul Rosen
She’s the Nene of Rittenhouse Square, and he’ll sue anyone who says so. Oops.

The No Socks/Gucci Loafers Guy
Anyone know this dude’s name? Probably in his 70s. Gives the impression of being a bum sitting on a bench in the Square except that he’s dressed in sport coats, white capris, and Gucci loafers—and never wears socks. Looks semi-drunk any time of the day but is never actually seen at Rouge or Parc drinking. Who is this guy?

Mike Jerrick

How is it that he’s always at Rouge, drinking Scotch and smoking cigarettes, and yet looks like he’s ready to jump through the TV early each morning on Fox 29? (The answer, he tells me: naps.)

The Rittenhouse Hotel Doormen/Dog Walkers
They look so put upon in those uniforms, smoking in the Square, cleaning up after residents’ standard poodles. Another spinoff possibility, this one for Animal Planet: The Pets of Rittenhouse Square.

HughE Dillon
After all, somebody’s got to tweet.