What Would Tony Soprano Do?

Amongst men, REAL MEN, The Godfather is generally considered to be the Greatest Movie Ever Made. There’s barely a man alive worth his salt who can’t quote entire passages from it. It’s a perfect film that over the decades has generated two minor arguments that could be considered flaws.

One, it’s not as good as Godfather II. This is utter nonsense. II does not have Sonny Corleone. They shot him in the first one. Out on the Causeway. Remember? That alone (although there are many other reasons) separates the original from the sequel Not that I don’t love II, I do, but facts are facts and it simply does not stand up to The Godfather. [SIGNUP]

The other argument is that The Godfather “glorifies” the Corleone family. That the director, Frances Ford Coppola can go on and on about how these people are monsters, but the fact is he FAILED to paint them as such. We don’t repel against this family, we want to be a part of it.

Now I believe that this was very much Coppola’s plan right from the start and his interviews after the fact are a desperate attempt to tell us that we don’t get it. But he was falling in love with these characters as he was shooting the film just as we fell in love with them when the film came out.

WHY?

I’ll tell you why. I have a house in Sea Isle, NJ. I’ve been going to that town since 1972. It’s the perfect shore town. Beautiful beaches and despite the fact that the homes are still overpriced, the people who live there have held on to a “rowhome” mentality that I love. Sea Isle is small, but with enough action if you want it. The kind of town where you go to the beach and don’t lock your door.

So imagine my anger when I came down last week and discovered that someone went BEHIND my house, pried open the doors of my shed, and stole two brand new bikes. Bikes. here’s something so wonderfully childish and innocent about a bicycle, isn’t there? Steal a flat screen and I’m pissed. Steal my bike and I’m heartbroken. A dirtbag who steals a laptop is a disgusting crackhead. A scumbag who lifts a bike IS A MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER WHO DESERVES A SLOW AND EXCRUCIATING DEATH.

I went to the police. No help. They say that bikes are stolen every day. Drunk college students tired of walking home from a bar who see a bike and figure it beats walking. But that’s not what my theft was. These dickheads had to go behind the house and break open a shed. They knew there were bikes in there.

It’s been 10 days now and I’ve been to the police station four times. If someone goes by me on a bike, my eyes are all over it like they would be on Christina Hendricks walking down the beach. I’m obsessed with finding them, but as each day goes by I realize the chances are being narrowed down to slim and none.

To make matters worse, I’m channel-surfing last night and up pops a Sopranos episode. And it dawns on me that no one would steal HIS bike, would they? And if they were stupid enough to do so, Tony would get Christopher or Paulie Walnuts on it and 20 minutes later the thief would have his balls in a vice with a ballpoint pen sticking out his eyeball.

And that moment is precisely why all mobsters end up being glorified one way or the other. Someone steals YOUR bikes and the cops go EH, UH. Someone steals Sonny Corleone’s bike and he ain’t calling no cop. We want revenge. It’s as simple as that and that’s the EXACT reason why we will never stop watching the Mob.

So from this point on, I’m DON Big Daddy Graham. And I want my bikes back.

OK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU COCKROACH?