Patriots, My Ass: Philly vs. Boston Through the Ages
Two places, two teams, two long, rich histories. Well, one long, rich history, anyway. Here’s how we see New England stacking up against Philly off the gridiron.
Left: Bad hat. Right: Cool cat.
Founding Sect
❌ Them: Puritans. Bad hats.
✅ Us: Quakers. Cool cats.
Witch Trials
❌ Them: Salem, 1692-’93—20 executions, 5 deaths in prison, 12 more executions in Massachusetts and Connecticut. Overkill.
✅ Us: Philadelphia, 1683—2 trials, no convictions. Told that one defendant flew on a broomstick, William Penn responds: “Well, I know of no law against it.” Nice and chill.
Defining Revolutionary Moment
❌ Them: A party, with tea. Yawn.
✅ Us: The Declaration of Independence. Jawn!
Names
❌ Them: New England, Boston. Retread Old World joints.
✅ Us: Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. New compass points!
Famous Couple
❌ Them: John and Abigail Adams. Oh so witty.
✅ Us: Pat’s and Geno’s. Whiz wit’—pretty!
Musical Talents
❌ Them: Arthur Fiedler, Livingston Taylor, Tammy Grimes, Joan Bennett Kennedy, Glasser. Mighty white.
✅ Us: Marian Anderson, John Coltrane, McCoy Tyner, Sun Ra, Patti LaBelle, Teddy Pendergrass. Mighty tight.
Changing Places
❌ Them: Ruben Amaro Jr. leaves Philly for Boston. BFD.
✅ Us: Ben Franklin leaves Boston for Philly. B.F.—whee!
Sportswriter Embarrassment
❌ Them: Mike Barnicle. Plagiarizes others’ pages.
✅ Us: Stephen A. Smith. Blowhard for the ages.
Famous Architect
❌ Them: Charles Bulfinch (1763-1844). His wife’s first cousin — inbred!
✅ Us: Louis Kahn (1901-1974). Kids by three women — why wed?
City Hall
❌ Them: Brutalist, completed 1968. Brutal’s right.
✅ Us: Second Empire, completed 1901. Still shines bright!
Big Parade
❌ Them: St. Patrick’s Day. Ho-hum wearing of the green.
✅ Us: The Mummers. Sui generis city scene.
Convenience-Store Creator
❌ Them: William Rosenberg, Dunkin Donuts. Eh.
✅ Us: Grahame Wood, Wawa. Yeah!
Food Totem
❌ Them: Baked beans. Gaseous.
✅ Us: Soft pretzels. Carbs R Us!
Famous Ride
❌ Them: Paul Revere. Atop his horse.
✅ Us: Joey Coyle. Chevy Malibu, of course.
Underdog Film Hero
❌ Them: Will Hunting. Needs a shrink to find himself.
✅ Us: Rocky. Don’t need no one’s frickin’ help!
Super Bowl Tradition
❌ Them: Deflating balls. Shady Brady.
✅ Us: Wing Bowl. Busty lady!
