The Philly Heat Wave Drinking Game

As the temperatures rise, so does the need to quench your thirst.

If you haven’t noticed, it’s hot. Really, really hot. And so, we bring you this guide to how to best get intoxicated on this brutally uncomfortable day.

When someone says to you, It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity… Say, “No, it’s actually the #%&$ heat, you moron.” And drink a Coronita.

If you notice that Cecily Tynan’s outfit so perfectly matches the temperature palette on her weather map… have a sip of Pinot Grigio.

Once the temperature breaks 100 and the humidity passes 95%… just drink a liter of water. Duh.

Every time you see a guy walking around with a wet washcloth on his head… have a sip of gin and tonic.

If someone observes It hasn’t been this hot since 1992… order a shot of Goldschläger.

When you realize that your car’s AC has stopped working because you forgot to get it charged after last summer… punch the dashboard and then pull over to the nearest bar and order a Citywide Special. (But if you stay for more than one, take an Uber home.)

If some dude says to you It’s hot as balls out here… tell him he’s a pig, and then throw your IPA in his Bud Light-guzzling face.

When you see someone wearing long sleeves… assume they’re a heroin addict, and then drink a Mudslide.

If someone asks, Is it hot enough for you?… reply No. No it is not. Because I am Satan. And I’m banishing you to hell for asking such a stupid question. And then down a double Fireball.

When the power goes out because of too much AC use… reminisce about that camping trip in 1984 and have a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler.

After someone invokes the movie quote “It’s Africa hot”… impress them with your verbatim knowledge of Biloxi Blues and say, “Tarzan couldn’t take this kind of hot.” And then have a Bud Ice.

If you show up at Parc for a nice air-conditioned dinner and they tell you that all they have is outdoor seating… realize the cruel irony of the world, sit your butt down, and order a bottle of Veuve.

When you accidentally swallow a gulp of water in the community pool… use the nearest cold beverage on hand to take a handful of penicillin.

If someone utters the phrase, I’m sorry, but we don’t have ice water, but we do sell bottled water!… buy the damn bottle and then leave a negative Yelp review.

When your boss sends you home for wearing shorts to work… give the jerk the finger, and then go home and consume a fifth of vodka while filing for unemployment.

If Mayor Kenney urges you to check on your elderly neighbors… do so, of course. But check to see if they keep the liquor cabinet locked before you leave.

When you show up at a dinner party and the host tells you, Sorry, we don’t have air conditioning and then orders one of those new pig-in-a-blanket pizzas from Pizza Hut… ask for a Zima or Four Loko. When they reply, What do you think I am, trailer trash?, say nothing.

If the people in your office won’t stop posting heat wave-related animated GIFs on Slack take a swig from the flask you keep in your top right desk drawer.

When a guy you’re not particularly interested in asks you out on a first date to Ghostbusters… accept, but don’t tell him it’s only for the ice-cold theater. And make him buy you a Coke.

Follow @VictorFiorillo on Twitter.