The Fully Sanctioned Pope in Philly Drinking Game

100% authorized by the World Meeting of Families, the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, and the supreme leader himself. We pinky-swear.

London Grill bartender Francis poses with a Pope Francis bobblehead. (Photo courtesy Jeff Belonger.)

London Grill bartender Francis poses with a Pope Francis bobblehead. (Photo courtesy Jeff Belonger.)

Judging by the lines at the liquor stores this week, Philadelphia is getting ready for a major papal par-tay. To help things along, we’ve compiled this handy guide to drinking during the Pope Francis madness. Enjoy!

Have a sip of Argentinean wine at the London Grill if…

… the person next to you asks, “What the heck is a Holy See?”
Uber rates surge.
… someone goes off about the Separation of Church and State.
… someone punches the person going off about the Separation of Church and State.
… an inflatable rat shows up at some point.
… you’re charged significantly more for an Egg McMuffin at a Center City McDonald’s.
… a “Poopadelphia” joke is made in reference to the 3,000 port-a-potties.
… you have to explain the Mummers or the Wing Bowl to somebody from Düsseldorf.
… delivery of your iPhone 6s is delayed due to Pope Francis.
… you’re asked, “What parish did you grow up in?”

Take a swig of Holy Wooder beer (it’s 9.75% ABV!) at P.O.P.E. if…

… you find yourself dancing to Catholic Ambient Dubstep, which apparently is a thing.
… you overhear, “Secret Service? Great band.”
PYT announces some ridiculous Pope Francis burger that you’d never want to eat but that gets national press anyway.
… when giving directions to the papal mass, you say, “It’s right near the Rocky statue.”
… a tourist seems perplexed over the fact that you can’t buy a six-pack in a liquor store.
… there wind up being fewer people here for Pope Francis than there were for Made in America.
… you wonder how Sister Sledge got the gig.
… Michael Nutter reminds the world — again — that there are still hotel rooms available.

Pound a Bluecoat Negroni at Hop Sing Laundromat if …

… you get to see Cecily Tynan genuflect.
…Philly Jesus converts to Catholicism.
… you have to explain to someone from Des Moines that, no, Conshohocken Curve is not a strip club.
… Mark Wahlberg goes for the “I’m getting such good vibrations from this crowd” joke on Saturday night.
… a teenager whips out a selfie stick, gets Tasered.
… you find a discarded Official World Meeting of Families Commemorative Tastykake Tin.
… you see an ugly nun and then realize that it’s Bob Brady.

Drink a whole bottle of grappa at Le Virtu if…

… the Department of Licenses & Inspections fines the Lego Vatican for not having the right variances.
… you meet someone who actually got $10,000 for their apartment on AirBnB.
… Michael Nutter grabs the mic from Pope Francis and breaks into “Rapper’s Delight.”
… someone pays $1 million for that crappy Perry Milou pope painting.
… Pope Francis says, “y Dios bendiga a los filetes de queso.”
… a fight breaks out over who gets the last piece of scrapple in the media tent.
… the PPA tows the Popemobile.
… Pope Francis heals the HitchBot.
… Milton Street gets sainted.

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