Thanksgiving with the Cheney Family!

Featuring one lesbian sister, one homophobic sister running for the Senate, and one stressed-out Dick

Thanksgiving dinner chez Cheney could be an awkward affair this year.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughters are in a nasty public feud over same-sex marriage. Liz is out (pardon the pun) campaigning against the issue in her Wyoming Senate race. Mary, her kid sister, has a wife and two young children.

Talk about a tense turkeyfest.

This is our imagined scenario for Thursday:

Liz: “Mom, I hope you hid the turkey baster this time. Mary may steal it for her next kid.”

Mary: “You’re a riot, big sister. I guess I should tell you that last Thanksgiving, when you came to our house, Heather and I used the same baster for the bird that we did for our daughter.”

Dick: “Girls, girls! Could we get through one family dinner without a discussion about artificial insemination? It makes me want to shoot somebody in the face again.”

Sarah (age 4): “Mommies, what is artificial insemination?”

Mary: “Sweetie, it’s why you brought a petrie dish to school for Father’s Day.”

Dick: “Lynne, fetch my heart pills!”

Liz: “This is what happens when you legalize same-sex marriage, Dad. Next thing you know, people will marry their pets. Then they’ll make mutant babies, who will grow up and run for public office. ”

Mary: “They’ll be Republicans, for sure, sis. Did you take your meds this morning?”

Liz: “Not funny, Sapphic Sister. Some of us are seriously worried about the future of our democracy. You’re not planning to pop out another puppy, are you?”

Mary: “You should talk, sis – one more and you’ll have a basketball team. If you must know, Heather and I are very careful, though our son was a bit of a surprise. We had a good laugh about it.“

Dick: “Lynne, help me here. Can’t we all just get along?”

Lynne: “Oh Dick, what did I tell you about quoting Rodney King at the table? Look, one of our daughters is a homo-baiting, carpetbagging politico. The other is a do-gooding dyke with short hair. What did you expect them to do – get high and twerk?”

Dick: “I would answer that question, if I knew what a twerk was. Does it have something to do with the google? Never mind. Pass the turkey. I want the right wing.”

Mary: “I want the left wing. And a breast!”

Liz: “Honestly, Mary, why do you people always shove your lifestyle down our throats?”

Mary: “I happen to know that nothing gets shoved down your throat, lady. Nothing.”

Dick: “I give up. These sibling spats exhaust me.”

Mary: “Sorry, Dad. Where’s my breast?”