Russian Coach: Olympics Dropping Wrestling Is a Gay Conspiracy

Says change is “a blow to masculine origins.”

With the exception of dressage, is there any Olympic sport gayer than wrestling?

Nothing says ‘homoerotic’ like buff, sweaty guys in junk-defining spandex, their heads locked into an opponent’s crotch and their hips thrusting wildly as they gasp for breath. In a just world, Olympic wrestling would come with an SH rating, for “screamingly homo.”

Given the history of wrestling, it had to be thus. The ancient Greeks, champions of man-boy love, invented the sport. They competed naked. Centuries later, so did the male protagonists in D.H. Lawrence’s 1920 classic, Women in Love, in front of a roaring fireplace. Ken Russell re-created the erotic scene in his film adaptation in ’69.

Against this picturesque backdrop, the coach of Russia’s Olympic wrestling team last week created a stir by publicly blaming “a gay conspiracy” for the International Olympic Committee’s shocking decision to drop wrestling from the 2020 Games.

“If they expel wrestling now, that means that gays will soon run the whole world,” Coach Vladimir Uruimagov told the Russian sports site R-Sport. He went on to label the move as “a blow to masculine origins.” (Note to Vlad: Call me an old-fashioned capitalist, but maybe “blow” isn’t the best word choice here.)

What’s at stake, Coach V went on to say, was nothing less than the future of humanity.

“It is necessary for millions around the world who understand that this is a man’s sport and who understand the need to continue the human race to go out and explain their position to the Olympic Committee.” Without wrestling, he opined, “there is no future.”

Translation: Without wrestling, there may be no future for Uruimagov, who coached a gold-medal winner in London last year and in Athens in 2004.

On one level, Coach V’s tirade doesn’t surprise me. Russians hate queers more than warm vodka. Until 1993, homosexuality was a criminal offense in the Soviet Union. More recently, a far-reaching bill that would ban the “distribution of ‘gay propaganda’ to minors” is expected to pass the legislature.

On another level, the coach’s reasoning escapes me. Who are these nefarious gays? And why would they eliminate a sport that is so clearly the equivalent of live-action porn in uniforms? If anything, they would want to expand wrestling’s presence at the Olympics.

It’s almost easier to blame the Jews. Everybody else does.

As far as “continuing the human race,” last time I checked, “gays” and “parenthood” were not mutually exclusive, at least in the USA, and it’s been that way for three decades. Maybe Petri dishes are harder to come by in the fatherland.

The good news is that all is not lost for wrestling. As of now, it is one of eight sports vying for one spot in 2020. The winner will be announced at the IOC meeting in Buenos Aires in September.

Grapplers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your fashion-forward singlets.