I Hate Angelina Jolie and Both of Her Legs
I hate Angelina Jolie. I can’t explain it, but I do. I mean, she’s pretty and all that but, one look at her, and I have a visceral desire to punch her right in those fat lips of hers. Watching the Oscars on Sunday night just provided more fodder for my hate-fest. Sticking that skinny-ass leg out of her dress at every possible opportunity was comical and pathetic. I know lots of men think she’s uber-gorgeous but, come on guys, please tell me that her shapeless, knobby-kneed stick leg frightened you. Would someone please give that girl a cheesesteak?
On camera, she’s smug, aloof, arrogant and snotty. Okay, she’s uber-gorgeous too, but is that an excuse? That ridiculous pose while presenting the award for Best Original Screenplay was embarrassing. Can’t you just picture her nasty anorexic naked body underneath the gown with her leg jutting out at that awkward angle? If she had just squatted down a foot or two, you’d swear she was getting ready to pee in the woods. And why?
It’s not like we don’t all know that she’s spectacularly beautiful, even despite her emaciated frame. Doesn’t every guy in the room drooling all over themselves offer enough validation? What else is she trying to prove? Maybe she’s unsure that a skeletal physique is sexy, sticking a little boney leg out there to see if she can get a few hearts pumping. And maybe she did, but not from anyone I’ve spoken to. She looks like she needs a milkshake. And you can’t blame Jim Rash, the guy who won the Oscar, for mocking her stance. It begged to be mocked; it was that silly.
It’s not fair to assume that we know a celebrity from her media exposure but, admit it, we all form a sense of what someone might be like if we were to meet them in the supermarket. I have a feeling that a chance run-in with Jolie in the produce aisle would confirm my suspicion that she’s a self-absorbed Hollywood nutcase who wouldn’t give me the time of day—a wild child turned Mother Theresa wanna-be. I can’t imagine that anyone other than Brad Pitt (an equally smug and gorgeous person) could attract her attention. Nope, the skinny bitch is one unlikable chick. If forced to further analyze my unnatural dislike for Ms. Jolie, I might admit that I feel threatened by her man-eater, boyfriend/husband stealing persona. She seems to be one of those flirty, girlfriend-less women who exudes “your husband wants to do me” with just a glance, even if he doesn’t want to. (He doesn’t, right?) Is it her annoying demeanor, her throaty sexy-voice, those ridiculous lips? Okay, maybe it’s the uber-gorgeous thing after all.