Studies Show: I’m Going to Die

Research shows that my life is killing me.

A recent Australian study announced terrifying news: For every hour of television I watch, my life span is shortened by 22 minutes.

I adore television. Whether it’s my new trashy favorite, Karaoke Battle USA, or something I consider culturally important—The Wire, for example—I truly believe that watching television is part of my societal homework. What else will I talk about at happy hour?

But, all things considered, TV watching is an extracurricular. The main part of my day is spent at work, where I sit at a computer for nine hours, managing this website. This, according to researchers, is the worst thing I could do for myself. Even if I exercise daily—which I do by walking a half hour to and from work—the fact that I spend a majority of the day with my butt in a chair means my body is slowly shutting down.

(And, really, who knows how healthy that walk to work really is. Statistically speaking, how many people are hit by buses or cars every year—or every day—in Philadelphia?)

Research also shows that eating healthy—like the salads I pack for lunch—isn’t going to do much to counteract my lethal sitting. Last year, a woman in New York went into a coma for eating too much raw bok choy. Her doctor cautiously admitted, “This probably wouldn’t have happened if the vegetables were cooked.” Except that raw food evangelists claim “cooking not only destroys nutrition and enzymes, but chemically changes foods from the substances needed for health into free-radicals and poisons that destroy our health.” So what’s a girl to eat?

Thank goodness, there is one aspect of my life that isn’t pushing me closer to the grave. A study from last year indicates that I am doing something right. That happy hour I mentioned? Turns out it’s good for me. A study in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research shows that moderate drinkers have the lowest mortality rates.

Cheers to that!