Yonni Barrios Rojas Might Need Gloria Allred

Does the cheating Chilean miner already regret being rescued?

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, something comes along to make you realize that there really is no end to the possibilities of human stupidity. I speak of the Chilean miner, Mr. Casanova himself, number 21, Yonni Barrios Rojas, also known as “Johnny Barrios.” His family just possibly got a little smaller after this week’s miraculous rescue of him and his fellow miners.

If you’ve not heard, Johnny apparently is a philanderer. His mistress and wife of 28 years became acquainted during the 69-day vigil atop the collapsed Chilean mine. News accounts claim that Mrs. Rojas was completely unaware of the mistress until Susana Valenzuela made her love for Johnny known by wailing and crying out his name in the presence of the wife. Media accounts claim a “scuffle” (can you say catfight?) ensued, with both women staking their claim in the rescue vigil. When Johnny was notified that his wife had met his mistress and that both were awaiting his ascent from hell, he apparently asked to be left in the hole knowing that hell was, in fact, waiting for him above. [SIGNUP]

Better than daytime television! Okay, so he’s a cheater, lots of those around; here’s where he becomes the poster boy for ultimate, beyond-comprehension-level stupidity. When asked for his list of three names of people that would be allowed to greet him when he was extricated from the rescue capsule (which was named the Phoenix…you have to think poor Johnny was hoping it would sprout wings and just fly him out of there!), he listed his wife, his mistress and his brother. He should have left the brother off the list and tried to get Gloria Allred instead. Did he really think there was any way that would work out for him? Didn’t his buddies down there counsel him that it was a bad idea to invite your wife AND your mistress to fall into your loving arms in front of millions of viewers all over the stinking world?

When Mrs. Rojas found out that Ms. Valenzuela had been asked to be at the rescue, she did not call her up to see if she needed a ride out to the mine, or to coordinate what they’d be wearing on international TV. I mean, what was he thinking? No, Mrs. Rojas sent word that, in an effort to save her dignity and because she is a decent woman, she would not be there. Plot thickened. Will Mistress Valenzuela show up? If not, will this poor stupid man come out of the hole with only his brother to greet him? The news channels were all atwitter waiting to see. Well, you know what happened: Mistress was there and wife was not. They embraced although, it may be my imagination, but Johnny looked a little nervous to me. And wouldn’t you love to have overheard what he said to her?

“Baby, is my wife here? Is anyone watching us right now? (Yeah, like 10 million viewers you moron!) Don’t kiss me, babe. Okay, maybe a little peck since I’ve been in a hole for two-and-a-half months, and I’m a horny miserable bastard.”

All right, he probably didn’t say all that, but I’ll bet he’s talking up a storm today…to his lawyer.