The Superb Listings Architecture of a Luxury Rental at 16th and Locust

Adjectives used in real estate listings are not used as they are in the dictionary or even in common parlance. They are shadow words–reflective of their real selves, but distorted. These words are brilliantly deconstructed by Curbed New York’s Brokerbabble Glossary, but if that’s too much lit crit for you, here are some overarching rules of thumb:

– The more adjectives, the better, especially those synonymous with “spectacular.”
– Proper nouns are very important, particularly in the kitchen. Namedrop with abandon.
– Concerns about capitalization are for losers.
– It’s best not to use periods or punctuation because WHO HAS TIME FOR PERIODS THIS HOUSE IS GOING TO SELL ANY MINUTE OH MY GOD
– Hyphens are acceptable because they are adjectives joined together, and the more adjectives the better
– When life gives you an eat-in kitchen, make it a “chef’s eat-in kitchen.”

Some listings are so phenomenal in all these regards, they reach the level of great architecture. Below is one such listing for a rental at the Lanesborough. Here’s the key for each bracketed letter that comes after the phrase in question:

[R] =redundant

[C] = listings classic

[E] = euphemism or spin

[N] = namedrop

All other bolds simply mean, “Would you get a look at this? Brilliant.”

Take a secure elevator directly into your home that encompasses the entire floor, offering 360 degree city views Enter the residence through double French doors [R] into a marble entry foyer [R]

A grand gallery travels the length of the condominium to a sun-soaked[C]great room [C] with generous dining and living room space and twin gas fireplaces with marble hearths and surrounds [E]

The chef’s eat-in kitchen features ample Downsview [N] custom-painted raised-panel cabinetry, granite countertops [C], ceramic tile [R] backsplash, kitchen island withbreakfast bar [R], Franke  [N] double sink and faucet, 59-bottleSub Zero [C/N] wine refrigerator, Sub Zero 47″ side-by-side stainless steel [C] refrigerator, Wolf [C/N] stainless steel wall oven [R] and microwave, Wolf 5-burner gas cooktop with Best[N] stainless steel vent hood and an Asko [N] dishwasher with integrated cabinetry panel and stainless steel interior

The master suite offers an ensuite den, his-and-hers [C] bathrooms and his-and-hers closets; the bathrooms both have marble floors, vanity countertops [R] and bath surrounds, as well as Waterworks [N] nickel finish faucets, showers, lighting and accessories, Robern [N] medicine cabinets, stall showers with frameless glass doors and retractable teak shower benches, and custom painted [C] finished vanity cabinetry with nickel pulls

Two additional bedrooms each have a full bathroom, one ensuite [C] and the other adjacent Other features of this home include hand-scraped white oak hardwood flooring in all living areas, the kitchen and master bedroom; Karastan [N] 100% wool carpeting in the guest bedrooms; extensive crown, dentil, picture frame and baseboard molding [C] in all rooms; antique bronze Omnia[ND] hardware throughout; Alabaster light fixtures throughout; utility/mud room with Asko[N] washer and dryer; and a south facing balcony

That is simply amazing–as is the property, actually. Should you have $11,000 per month, go for it.

• 1601 Locust Street Unit 900, Philadelphia PA [Zillow]