Is It Doomsday for SEPTA?

Our fate is in Harrisburg’s hands. / Photograph by Patrick Rapa

Check phillymag.com each morning Monday through Thursday for the latest edition of Philly Today. And if you have a news tip for our hardworking Philly Mag reporters, please direct it here. You can also use that form to send us reader mail. We love reader mail!

Is It Doomsday for SEPTA?

The hour is nigh for SEPTA.

As the city’s most beloved and cursed and only transportation system prepares for major service cuts, state lawmakers are mulling a mass transit bill that could serve as a partial lifeline for the regional transit company. Harrisburg is expected to vote on House Bill 1788 today.

If they can’t get something done by Thursday, SEPTA says it will have to start raising fares and making “devastating” cuts.

Governor Josh Shapiro was in town over the weekend to make a public plea on behalf of the regional provider of buses, trains, subways and trolleys. (But not the Phlash. That’s run by the Visitors Center so tourists don’t have to see how we behave on mass transit.)

“We are past the point of short-term stopgap measures. We are past the point of a few months of fixes,” Shapiro said. “It is time to have recurring long-term revenue for SEPTA and for the other mass transit agencies across Pennsylvania. The time to act is now.”

Since House Bill 1788 is about transit funding throughout our red state — putting money into the ominously titled “Road and Bridge Project Sinking Fund,” for instance — not just the lonely blue Philly region, you have to figure it’ll pass, right. Right? Hang onto your butts.

Let’s Check in on Philly Redditors

Look at this pink snake! / Photo credit to Redditor patchworky.

• A Philadelphia Redditor found this gorgeous and spooky pink snake in their apartment. Look how well it matches their carpet. The commenters agree it’s a harmless western hognose snake. At press time, OP still had not burned their building down or tracked down its owner. (Okay, this is a tangent, but apparently Philadelphia already has a “famous” pink snake, via the video game/visual novel Purrgatory. His name is Sean, he’s a gay singer-songwriter, and he has limbs (à la *Phang). He is dead, but enjoys a busy afterlife. Scroll all the way down for a picture of Sean.)
• This person found a cute baby squirrel in their attic. But listen: The Schuylkill Center can’t deal with every orphaned varmint somebody rescues from their rafters. They say put it in a box and the mom squirrel will hopefully find it.
• Here’s a duck.
• This Redditor (from parts unknown) wants their wedding to be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia-themed and they’re looking for suggestions. Okay let’s do this: Put the wine in soda cans, mix whiskey into the beer, and have a monkey serve the drinks. Also, hire some little ghouls to run around?
• What would you do if your neighbor’s smoke alarms have been going off for three straight days? Apparently PGW, fire and police all say they can’t break into the place without a good reason. The top comment at the moment is, “Have you tried crime?”
• Here’s a topic we all can enjoy: Which Philly Facebook groups are the messiest?
• Was Frank Rizzo really so bad? Yeah, pretty sure. But this Redditor, who was a city employee back then, says Mayor Crumb Bum’s bad rep is the result of media bias. Also: “Non-white city employees had better promotional opportunities,” they claim. Also, Rizzo was nice to them in person once. This thread could use more comments from oldheads who know the score.

By The Numbers

100%: The West Nile virus has been detected in two neighboring counties, and every article about it comes with skin-crawling mosquito photos and B-roll.

40: That’s the age of the Philadelphia Phillies newly signed veteran relief pitcher David Robertson just called up to the majors. Okay, we have our Moyer. Who will be our Matt Stairs?

1960s: That’s the last time Philadelphia’s homicide rate was this low.

5 Seconds: Customs officers in Philadelphia intercept cocaine and meth hidden in the board game 5 Second Rule, Jr. being shipped to London. According to the box, it’s okay if you drop the coke, as long as you pick it up right away.

*Note: While both Sean and Phang have two arms, two legs, a head and a butt, the former also has a long snake tail, while Phang does not. Also, as I’ve said before, the character we know as Phang is actually a fuzzy anthropomorphic snake-human (a snauman) costume filled with normal snakes who cooperate to perform the Phang role.

This is Sean, a gay deceased Philadelphia-based singer-songwriter snake from the game Purrgatory. / Photograph via Purgatory Wiki