These Boston Things Are Banned Until We Win the Super Bowl

Boston wants to boycott Philly treasures before the game next Sunday. Our response? Bring it on.

eagles, super bowl, boston

Photo Illustration by Joe Trinacria

Maybe you’ve heard that Bostonians want to ban some Philly things because they somehow think it’ll help them win the Super Bowl.

We feel bad for them, really. They shouldn’t feel the need to deprive themselves of such blessings, like Wawa (Boston wishes it had a Wawa!), Always Sunny, Cheez Whiz, Benjamin Franklin (who left Boston for Philly, by the way), and Rocky.

Boston things, on the other hand, are much easier to ban. Especially before the Super Bowl. Which we will win.

A list of Boston things no longer welcome in Philly:

  1. Baked beans, which are soggy and unpleasant
  2. Boston Baked Beans, as in the candy no one actually likes
  3. Dunkin Donuts (We have a thing called Wawa, which serves both regular and fancy coffee.)
  4. All red socks
  5. That subpar rock band from the ’70s … can’t remember the name, but you know the one
  6. Rizzoli & Isles reruns (Let’s face it, Always Sunny is much better.)
  7. Boiling lobsters alive
  8. Gilette’s inferior razors 
  9. Good Will Hunting, which simply can’t compare to Rocky
  10. Harvard grads who can’t go five minutes without asking if you knew they went to Harvard
  11. Ben Affleck
  12. Matt Damon, too
  13. Pasty, smelly seafood soup

We’d try to list as many things as Boston magazine did, but we’re not really sure Boston has that much to offer.

P.S. – We want to hear your best creative trash talk about Boston. Tweet it at us with #BeantownBeatdown, and we’ll pick our favorites and have some fun with them.

See you next Sunday!