Stop Spitting on the Sidewalk, You Disgusting Pig

I don't care if it's cold-and-flu season; I've had it with your f'ing phlegm.


Naval Aircraft Factory, photo via Naval Historical Center

The other day after work, I was waiting for the garage attendant to bring down my car. I was standing alongside a well-dressed, dapper-looking man about age 60. As his car — a much more expensive one than my ancient Honda — came rolling down the ramp, mine followed close behind. The attendants lined the cars up beside us and got out, holding the doors for us. The gentleman beside me paused, cleared his throat, coughed up a huge phlegm-ball onto the sidewalk at my feet, and proceeded to get in his car.

Yo, dude. You are so, so gross.

There was nowhere for me to go, no place for me to walk, except directly over his steaming little pile of sputum. It was absolutely disgusting. And he just drove away without even noticing that he had made me gag.

Who does something like that?

I don’t understand the spitting on the sidewalk thing. I honestly don’t. I’m 58 years old, and not once in my entire life have I ever honked out a big goob of phlegm that way. How come the world is full of people who do? Would you defecate on a public sidewalk? Flick out a wad of earwax? Piss in front of me in broad daylight? It’s the exact same thing.

You say you’re sick? No excuse. That stuff came out of your body. It might be riddled with disease. Spittle was spreading tuberculosis a century ago. Today, it might be spreading Ebola. There are laws against spitting in public in civilized places like England and New York and even Minneapolis, with, like, $300 fines. And there should be! Who still thinks it’s publicly acceptable to spurt out a hunk of spit?

And while I’m on the subject, why is it that TV cameras at sporting events have such an affinity for showing us guys blowing two-foot snot streams out of their noses in the midst of football games and soccer matches? Your mother is watching you, young man. Do you think she wants to see that? Doesn’t anybody carry a hankie anymore? A tissue? A portable spittoon?

So help me God, I’ve even seen young women blowing honkers and spitting on the sidewalk — lovely young women expectorating like longshoremen! (At least longshoremen do it into the water. At least, I hope they do.) You take all that time getting dolled up, ladies, do your hair, do your nails, and then slaver gobs of nasty mucus all over the sidewalk? What in heaven’s name are you thinking? What’s the matter with you?

You know what caused Philly’s Great Influenza Epidemic of 1918? It was spitting on the sidewalk! And it could happen again. Experts agree we’re only a few honkers away from another huge epidemic of flu. And even if you’re not sick, if it’s been inside your nose, I don’t want it all over my shoes. For Chrissake, show some class and stop expectorating in public. It’ll make our city that much more healthy — and civilized, too.

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