Dull Joe Flacco and 9 More Reasons I Won’t Watch the Super Bowl

Will someone think of the children?

It’s not that I hate the commercialism of the Super Bowl—I’ve been watching since I was eight. Nor have I boycotted football to protest the league’s brain injury problem, though that would have been laudable. I’m not even really that bitter about my New York Jets. I’m sure I’ll watch next year’s game. But this year, I refuse. Here’s why.

1. The goddamn brothers. I couldn’t care less about John and Jim Harbaugh—excuse me, the “Harbros.” This story’s been jammed down our throats since last year, when John and Jim came within a game of playing one another in the Super Bowl. The idea of hearing one more commentator tell me what a “great story” this is (I’m more interested in a great game) or seeing even one gauzy four-minute documentary about these two fundamentally boring people makes me ill. Oh and did I mention they’re holding the first-ever Super Bowl “joint news conference” today? I hope they both lose.

2. Colin Kaepernick’s atrocious mini-goatee.

3. Ray Lewis. It’s been bad enough watching this dude alternate between maniacal preening and earnest preaching for 17 years, knowing full-well about the suspicious murder charges he dodged in the late ’90s. Now Sports Illustrated reports he’s been taking performance-enhancing drugs too.

4. No great quarterback. For the last decade, every Super Bowl has featured at least one elite quarterback—and several future Hall of Famers. You have to go back to 2003—Bucs vs. Raiders—to find a game without one. This one doesn’t either. Colin Kaepernick is certainly an exciting player, and has been the better of the two QBs this year. But he’s a rookie, and not yet at the top of the NFL pecking order.

5. Joe Flacco is dull. Here’s what Joe’s father Steve had to say about him. “Joe is dull. As dull as he is portrayed in the media, he’s that dull. He is dull.” The only non-dull thing about him? His album of amusing staged wedding photos. “I guarantee none of it was Joe’s idea,” says Steve.

6.  The distasteful trend that is “Kaepernicking.” Look what it’s already done to this kid.

7. I’m not really into watching Beyonce sing live, after seeing how well her canned performance went at the inauguration.

8. The Baltimore Ravens are poster children for mediocrity.

Offensive Rushing Yards per game (YPG): 11th in the NFL
Offensive Passing YPG: 15th in the NFL
Defensive Rushing YPG: 20th in the NFL
Defensive Passing YPG: 17th in the NFL

9. Bountygate. New Orleans, for all its charms, houses the Superdome, which is where the Saints’ bounty hunting system was conceived.

10. I don’t want to miss Downton Abbey.