Happy Thanksgiving, General Petraeus

And you, too, Kim Kardashian, Hostess workers, and Wal-Mart bosses. We're all in awe of your ridiculousness.

Thanksgiving. That hallowed holiday where family and friends gather ‘round to give thanks for health, happiness and all of life’s joyous things.

Which lasts for all of five minutes. Because let’s be real. After that, we gossip, complain and otherwise marvel about the extraordinary amount of stupidity all around us — which seems to grow every year.

Here are just a few examples in the “What the hell are they thinking?” category:

General Petraeus’ “Cloak and Shag Her” debacle

The General and now-former CIA Director had been engaged in covert hide-the-drumstick activities with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, a West Point grad. Likewise, four-star General John Allen, commander in Afghanistan and in line to Supreme Allied Commander in Europe, had a very cozy relationship with wannbe-socialite Jill Kelley, exchanging 30,0oo (yes, thirty thousand) emails and documents with her. Whether they stuffed the turkey together remains to be seen.

If the generals need their pearl onions polished, great.  That’s on them, so long as it doesn’t compromise national security. But did it dawn on either of these guys that since a major part of their jobs was intercepting emails, phone conversations, records and documents (aka intelligence gathering), that maybe, just maybe, they should have covered their tracks just a bit better?   Talk about not using your head. Or, more accurately, using the wrong one. Military intelligence — truly an oxymoron.

But the biggest travesty is that Kelley’s resemblance to Kim Kardashian will clearly result in Hollywood’s most talentless diva getting her part for the movie — enough to make you vomit Thanksgiving dinner.

Hostess Union Workers Striking

Let’s see. Your company is in bankruptcy (for a second time), which means it can’t pay its bills — clearly a bad situation. Management asks your union to make some concessions in order to keep the ovens cooking. They tell you in no uncertain terms that without concessions, the company will be immediately liquidated — and you will have NO job. Since bankruptcy requires all financial cards be on the table, the outlook absent concessions was a statement of fact, not a negotiating bluff.

So what does the union do? Do the right thing for their families by taking the offer and trying to rebuild the company? No. They took a hard-line stance, using unadulterated greed as their guiding principle.

Well, congratulations to the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union. You won.  More than 18,000 people are poised to lose their jobs (including the 13,000 not in your union), but you won. That victory, and two dollars, will buy you a cup of coffee and some Twinkies.

Actually, just a cup of coffee.

Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, and all stores opening on Thanksgiving

Capitalism is by far the best economic system on Earth, but it only works when common sense is used. Opening retail stores on Thanksgiving Day not only lacks common sense (and common decency), but it’s an idiotic business move.

Denying workers the enjoyment of being with their families on this unique American holiday crosses the line, leading millions to ask “is nothing sacred anymore?” Sure, the sales will entice some shoppers to abandon their Thanksgiving dinners at mid-afternoon, but the negative publicity these stores are receiving does more harm than good.  In fact, Wal-Mart employees are looking to strike in protest. And good for them. Some things are more important than a few extra hours of profits.

The irony is that if these companies had any business acumen, they would be doing the opposite. Instead of disrupting Thanksgiving and getting hammered for it, they would reap substantially more if they spent millions in a public relations effort shaming their competition, informing consumers that their Black Friday sales would be extended in order to preserve the sanctity of Thanksgiving.

But as Voltaire said, “Common sense is not so common.”

Camping Out For A Week At Best Buy

There’s no excuse for stores opening on Thanksgiving. But that decision is only fed by the absolute morons who no longer stand in line for hours before the doors open, but now camp out for days in front of stores — yes, days, including Thanksgiving.

Here’s a newsflash for these folks: A) If you’re camping out during the workweek, then you are not, by definition, working.  B) Maybe if you were working, you wouldn’t be so desperate to save a few bucks on another flat screen TV.  C) If you don’t have a job, you have no business buying anything except the most basic essentials, which, I believe, Best Buy doesn’t offer.  D) Since you are acting like a bum by eating, sleeping and going the bathroom in a sidewalk tent city, do yourself a favor and buy The Big Lebowski. Fast forward to the classic exchange between both Lebowksi’s and you might learn something:
The Big Lebowski: Are you employed?

The Dude: Employed?

The Big Lebowski: You don’t go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

The Dude: Is this a… what day is this?

The Big Lebowski: Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did. Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose. Do you hear me… the bums will always lose!

If you are camping out in front of a store for a week before Thanksgiving, you’re already lost. But take solace in the fact that the rest of us will be talking about you while we enjoy third helpings of turkey in our toasty warm homes.  And we thank you for giving us so much material.  Happy Thanksgiving!