Brett Favre Should’ve Kept It In His Pants

The big story this week — or should I say the medium-sized story — is Brett Favre’s dick.

A story first mentioned on notorious sports site Deadspin has grown to epic proportions (Favre can only wish … )  this week.

Apparently a few years ago, as a member of the New York Jets, Favre, wanted to hook up with sexpot sports reporter Jenn Sterger and was rebuffed. When Favre couldn’t close the deal via phone messages, he apparently went to step number two in the manual of “How to Pick Up Women.” He sent her a photo of his cock. He has issued a non-denial denial on the subject.

Deadspin first reported the story several months ago and published the alleged photo of Favre’s junk along with the two voice mails Favre allegedly left for Sterger. In the voice mails, he sounds like either a lonely puppy, or a man with about as much game as George Costanza, in that episode where George left such a lame answering machine message, he hatched a scheme with Jerry to get into the woman’s apartment and steal the tape.

The one thing that IS clear in this he-said-she-said situation is that Favre seems somewhat exasperated that Sterger won’t go there. After all, he’s a professional athlete. More than that, he’s a quarterback. Starting quarterbacks in the NFL don’t even have to have ANY game in picking up a woman. All they have to do is be available. More than that, he’s Brett Favre, Hall of Famer.

(Are you kidding me, Jenn? You mean, you wouldn’t want to just come into some obscure hotel room, peel your robe down and get naked to bang a quarterback? The audacity!)

I have a radio show. When you have a radio show, you can do an instant survey on matters such as these. I asked women the following question: If you received a photo of a man’s penis via a text message, would you be inclined to forget about the previous phone messages that didn’t turn you on, and just rush to the side of the man who just sent you a shot of his penis? In other words, would this move the wooing process over the top? I got unanimous response: No!
I don’t know what Favre was thinking here. After all, he’s kind of a backwoods hick from Mississippi who, I’m thinking, isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. But let me apply MY logic. Unless I’m hung like Smarty Jones, I ain’t even thinking about sending a photo like that. I knew Smarty Jones. I’ve seen Smarty Jones up close. And Brett Favre ain’t no Smarty Jones.
What we are left with is this: What Brett Favre did — sending an explicit photo via a text message to someone in the workplace — is sexual harassment, pure and simple. Since there was no complaint (and since the statute of limitations has probably passed since this happened a couple of years ago), there  likely won’t be a lawsuit.

But Favre has the NFL’s newly created Personal Conduct Policy to think about. It was the same policy that snagged Steelers quarterback Ben Rothelisberger after it was found that he was skanking on multiple co-eds in a bar in Georgia. Rothelisberger got a six-game suspension, which was reduced to four on appeal, since he had had a track record of this kind of thing.

I don’t know what NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will do with Favre. But I do have one final question: If Wranglers are “real comfortable jeans,” then why can’t Brett Favre keep his dick in them?