The Official Philadelphia Election Day Drinking (and Drugging!) Game

It's been a long, hard campaign season. So bottoms up.

philly-election-day-drinking-game

It may seem difficult to believe, but there was a time when all bars in Philadelphia — actually, the entire state — were closed on Election Day. Thank goodness that’s not the case anymore. And thanks to a certain guy who may be mayor before too long, you can even light up a big old spliff in front of your polling place on Election Day and not get more than a written citation. In other words, it’s time to par-tay. So here, we bring your official guide to how to drink and otherwise get intoxicated on this pivotal day in Philadelphia’s history.

Take a gulp of beer or a hit on a joint if…

… there’s a report that a dead person voted.
… Congressman Bob Brady eats a pastrami on rye at 4th Street Deli.
… you hear that 4th Street is passé and Relish is where the action is now.
… Ed Rendell takes credit for anything good that happens.
… your Facebook friends get into a fight over school vouchers or stop-and-frisk.
… you get overwhelmed by the ridiculous number of judicial candidates.1
… there’s a New Black Panther Party sighting.
Philly Jesus photobombs someone important.
… it’s 8 p.m. and Uber goes into surge pricing just as you’re leaving for the victory party.
… someone eggs or otherwise vandalizes Ori Feibush campaign headquarters.
… you show up to the poll and realize you haven’t a clue about those special proposed charter change questions.

Take a shot or smoke a bowl if…

… you show up to the polls and are shocked to learn that Milton Street really is a legal option for mayor.
… you have to ask someone what exactly a City Commissioner does.2
… you awake to the predicted thunderstorms, decide to vote after work instead, but never actually make it to the polls.
… someone uses the phrase “Susquehanna billionaires.”
… you wonder if Pennsylvania Supreme Court candidate Kevin Dougherty is one of those Doughertys.3
… you chuckle when you discover that the Republicans are actually bothering to run someone for the mayoral seat.4
… the poll workers can’t find your name in the book.5
… you’re perplexed by the button that reads: “I do not want to vote on any office, candidate or issue – No Vote.”
… someone mentions a Horn & Hardart coffee tin.

Make it a double or eat a hash cookie if…

… the poll workers claim that you already voted.6
… you show up to the polls are are surprised that Bill Green isn’t running for mayor.
… you recognize City Commissioner candidate Will Mega as being a contestant from the first season of Big Brother.7
… you finally realize that you’ve been mispronouncing City Council at Large candidate Helen Gym’s last name all this time.8
… the poll workers explain to you that you’re not allowed to vote, and you remember foolishly switching your registration to the Green Party after that cute protestor convinced you to do so at that rally last year.9
… someone under the age of 40 tries to convince you to vote for Lynne Abraham.
… you find an envelope on the ground marked “Kenyatta Johnson street money.”

Do a line of coke if…

… you are, for some reason, forced to sit through the concession speech by ZZZ-inducing mayoral candidate Nelson Diaz.
… you’re invited into Ori Feibush’s hot tub at 2 a.m.

Take a massive hit of Flakka if…

Milton Street wins. It’s all over anyway.

(Follow VictorFiorillo on Twitter)

Footnotes

1 In case you’re wondering, there are dozens of people running for the bench, from Municipal Court all the way on up to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. Visit our handy judicial voting guide here. (Return to text)

2 From the City of Philadelphia website: “The Philadelphia City Commissioners are a three member bipartisan board of elected officials in charge of elections and voter registration for the City of Philadelphia. Each Commissioner is elected to serve a four-year term that coincides with the municipal election cycle for Mayor and City Council.” (Return to text)

3 Why, yes. Yes he is. (Return to text)

4 Her name is Melissa Murray Bailey, and the Melissa for Mayor Facebook page has less than 350 “likes.” (Return to text)

5 If this happens to you, call the non-partisan political watchdog group Committee of Seventy at 1-855-SEVENTY to make sure you’re in the right place. If you’re told you can’t vote but you believe you are eligible, demand a provisional ballot. (Return to text)

6 Ibid. (Return to text)

7 It’s true. He was also once the national field marshall for the aforementioned New Black Panther Party. (Return to text)

8 It may look like the beginning of “gymnasium,” but it’s actually pronounced with a hard “g.” Think “grim” without the “r.” Now you know. (Return to text)

9 Yeah, you’re screwed. If you’re not a registered Democrat or Republican, you can’t vote for any candidates in this primary election, but you can vote on those special proposed charter change questions. Aren’t you excited?!?! And if you’re ready to opt out of the Green Party, just use this form, selecting “Change of Party.” (Return to text)