CEO Santa: The Fattest of Fat Cats

Talk about your minimum wage abusers. Walmart and McDonald's have got nothing on this greedy old elf.

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In the past two years there has been a media onslaught against some of America’s most iconic brands, much of it fueled by unions trying to stem the tide of diminishing power, membership and public support. But the unions and their friends in the media have missed maybe the fattest of the corporate fat cats, who pays his employees next to nothing.

More on him in a moment, first let’s take inventory of the current prime targets and their crimes. Walmart is America’s largest private sector employer and tops on the “greed is good” list. How dare CEO Mike Duke allow Walmart employees to work on Thanksgiving for more money. How dare he pay store employees an average of $12.81 an hour, which is 68 percent higher than the federal minimum wage? And the worst offense, how dare a Walmart in Canton, Ohio, hold a food drive to help employees who may need help over the holidays. The audacity!

And then there’s McDonald’s and the rest of the fast food gang, who you would believe are the sole cause of obesity in this country from media reports. Together they top Walmart in providing jobs, but are under attack for paying slightly over minimum wage for flipping burgers. Did you know that McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner makes substantially more than the burger flippers? Astonishing!

Apple, Nike and several designer clothing brands were caught making their goods in sweatshops with child labor in unhealthy conditions for ridiculously low wages. But those brands are cool and rich people in the media buy them, and besides, the American Unions don’t have reach into China and Bangladesh, so back to Walmart and McDonald’s, the places poor people can afford. Let’s make them charge more so those places can be cool, too!

And while we’re at it, what’s with this Santa character? Talk about a selfish CEO. His tiny little elves (has anyone checked their ages) slave all year, through holidays and weekends, for little or no pay. While Santa, the CEO, works basically one day a year and grabs all the credit.

This Magic Dust that CEO Santa uses? What chemicals are used to make it? How does the gratuitous emission of the alleged Magic Dust into the atmosphere and  the groundwater relate to global warming and the poisoning of our rivers? Is the Dangerous Dust responsible for the diminishing population of the Brush Prairie Pocket Gopher? What about the Polar Bears? There is some documentation somewhere done by some environmental group that is highly considered by some people with advanced degrees that the location of Santa’s workshop and his yearly flight around the world adversely affects the yearly migration of the Arctic Tern.

And what is with this secret North Pole location anyway? What does Santa have to hide? How does he dispose of the waste, sewage and chemical byproducts from a factory full of elves making all those toys and electronics? Where does he get his energy? Nuclear? We don’t know, but it is worth checking out. If Santa doesn’t agree to UN inspectors we have every reason in the world to first call for sanctions and then invade.

We will have to do it unilaterally because the North Pole is slowly and suspiciously moving TO RUSSIA! It is an obvious attempt to prevent the gay elves from marrying and to keep the Santa sweatshop away from the protection of the American unions. Attack and bring democracy to the elves!

Who is subsidizing Santa’s operation anyway? The Koch brothers? Sheldon Adelson? Wait, has anyone ever seen Karl Rove on Christmas Eve? Money can be funneled offshore and tax-free through the Santa Sweatshop and then back into union busting operations in the United States. How much North Pole money did Scott Walker get? He is elf-looking, is he not? So is Ted Cruz, for that matter, and his birth certificate shows he was born closer to the North Pole than Texas. Forget the Manchurian Candidate, it is the Santatorium Candidate that I fear. Wait! Santa, Santorum, Santa Santorum. That explains the former  Senator’s Christmas propaganda film.

Why is Santa supporting only a Christian holiday with little or no regard to the feelings of the Muslim, Jewish and Atheist children? Is there a Menorah next to the Christmas tree at the North Pole? I doubt it. How about a Kwanzaa Bendera? How do you think the African American elves feel? Are there any African American elves? I see none in the promotional videos. Where is the NPCLU?

And has anyone checked Santa’s taxes? He does part of his work in the United States, doesn’t he? He must be avoiding the taxes he earns in ice shore accounts, a la Mitt Romney. Where is the IRS?

And how does he so easily slip in and out of this country without the proper paperwork? It just shows that our borders and national defense are at risk. We cannot talk about immigration reform until we deal with the Santa problem. Obama is asleep at the wheel again.

So you see, Walmart, McDonald’s and Santa Claus are all brands to avoid until they cleanup their acts. How can we, the 99 percent, enjoy the Holidays when the CEO’s of Walmart, McDonald’s and the North Pole, the one percent, are keeping us down?

Follow @LarryMendte on Twitter.