Our First (and Last) Annual Twerky Awards

It’s pretty safe to say that 2013 was the “Year of the Twerk.” It was the year when the dance, which, according to this article, started in 1993 in the New Orleans bounce-music scene, was blasted into the mainstream by Miley Cyrus’s bony behind. All of a sudden the whole world was twerking, even the Oxford Dictionary, which defines it as a “dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrust hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”

So I’m on the fence here. On one hand, I’m all “hell yea, let’s celebrate the twerk,” because how hilarious is it to see a bunch of white twinks on the dancefloor trying to find the hip joints that actually make a twerk. But then again, I think we should relent and give it back to the New Orleans bounce-music folks, or at least — ahem, Miley — the people who can do it justice.

So to satisfy my conundrum, I give you this: G Philly‘s first and last annual Twerky Awards, a recognition to those who have been poppin’ their bums all year long that also serves as a reminder that it’s time to find a new dance, white people (and dogs.) So without further ado …

BEST (ALMOST) COMEBACK TWERK: You may have missed it, but Ciara released an album this year. It’s a shame, because the self-titled set was fresh, fierce and full of booty-poppin’ bangers. The record may have tanked, but she did have a decent hit with “Body Party,” which came with the above bootylicious video.

BEST TWERKING BY AN ANIMAL: Miley’s bear was a real contender, but this short and funny video of a Corgi shaking it’s ass to Major Lazer’s “Bubble Butt” was too cute to pass up.

BEST FEMALE TWERK-OFF OF THE YEAR: Nearly 8 million YouTube viewers agree.


BEST MALE TWERK-OFF OF THE YEAR: You may find yourself hitting the pause button a few times while watching the sexy boys of Andrew Christian having a briefed-out twerk off with each other. My reccomendation for viewing this clip? Watch it a few times.

BEST TWERKING IN WATER: Rihanna and Nicole “The Pole” Williams take water aerobics to a whole new level in RiRi’s write-tastic video for “Pour It Up.” Yes, that is also Rihanna workin that pole in a dollar bill-stuffed denim thong.

BEST RECORD-BREAKING TWERK: In September, Big Freedia (aka Queen of Bounce) gathered 358 dancers in New York’s Herald Square to claim the Guinness Book of Wold Records title for Most People Twerking Simultaneously.


BEST WORST TWERK: We all know Miley and her giant dancing teddy bears brought twerking back into the mainstream, but was she the best twerker in town? Hell no. Mostly because Ms. Cyrus has no junk in the trunk. Hey, can’t hate on a girl for trying.

MOST AWKWARD SPAWN OF BEST WORST TWERK: Hugh Hefner and his child bride, Crystal Harris. One word: Gag!


HOTTEST TWERK OF THE YEAR: It had ladies swooning, and the gays fantasizing about where else this tight young lad practices these moves besides the locker room. I must say, It was a tough call between the sexy Andrew Christian boys, but after watching the two clips over (and over, and over, and over) again I have to give it to smokin’-hot North Carolina baseball player John Magnum and his shirtless vines for having the hottest twerk moves of 2013. It takes a lot of balls to get down in a male locker room — especially when you have your teammates watching. Enjoy!