What Obama and Tiger Woods Were Really Doing on Their Golf Outing
You’ve probably heard by now that the White House Press Corps, having been denied access to the man whose existence justifies theirs, was none too pleased to have been scooped by Golf Digest on the story that the most powerful man in the world was spending his President’s Day weekend on the links with the most famous/controversial golfer in the world. They went so far as to dub it a “lack of transparency.”
I know what you’re probably thinking: lack of transparency? Who cares how many mulligans the President takes, or if he replaces his divots? And besides, it’s President’s Day. AKA his holiday.
But see, the Press Corps knows what you don’t: President’s Day is the one day that American commanders-in-chief get to devise secret plots and grand conspiracies while hobnobbing with famous athletes. We have it from good sources (at Golf Digest) that between bogies and bunkers, Obama and Woods were discussing the President’s bold new multibillion-dollar study to understand the human brain. What’s the ultimate goal of this endeavor, you may ask? Well, you have seen The Matrix, haven’t you?
The President Obama-Tiger Woods golf game is part of a grand tradition of presidents conferring with the elite athletes of their time. For instance:
9/11 Was a Case of Roid Rage
George W. Bush was barely in office a month when he and Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire met to clear brush and take batting practice in Crawford … and plot the massive September 11th terrorist attacks in order to get the American people to back the largest expansion of the federal government in history. (Fun fact: McGwire is an uncredited co-author of Project for the New American Century’s influential Rebuilding America’s Defenses report. Fun fact 2: My Pet Goat was a favorite of McGwire’s). The slugger’s rapid decline that season was blamed on deteriorating knees believed to be the result of use of Androstenedione use, but was actually the result of McGwire’s aggressive lobbying for regime change in Iraq.
How the U.S. Really Got Into WWII
On President’s Day 1941, Franklin Delano Roosevelt shunned stars Ted “The Splendid Splinter” Williams and Joe “Sullen Loner” DiMaggio and invited Phil “Scooter” Rizzuto to Warm Springs to do a little play-by-play of a pickup game among the President’s children. “My liberal agenda is sinking the country deeper into depression. We need to get into this war to jump-start the economy,” unclassified recordings reveal FDR telling the Scooter. “Leave Pearl Harbor undefended,” said Rizzuto coolly. “Holy Cow!” said FDR.
If You Believe We Landed on the Moon …
It was the perfect match. President’s Day 1969, the just-sworn-in Tricky Dick Nixon and noted spitballer/future Hall-of-Fame pitcher Gaylord Perry met in Nixon’s native Yorba Linda, for a game of catch. Having lost the space race to the Soviets in the 1950s, the U.S. of A. needed a celestial boost, but its space program was flailing. “Most of the Southwest may as well be the moon. Why don’t you land a rocket there?” queried Perry. “But that would be a massive fraud!” gasped Nixon. “Only if you get caught,” counseled Perry.
Who’s Really Behind the Federal Reserve
The controversial Federal Reserve system enacted by Woodrow Wilson is widely believed to have been influenced by none other than three-time presidential bridesmaid William Jennings Bryan, but in truth, it was Wilson’s President’s Day meeting with Jim Thorpe, Native American super-athlete, for a game of two-hand-touch football that is responsible. “The Gold Standard that makes the white man crazy,” said Thorpe while performing a traditional Sauk tribe touchdown dance.
