9 Possible Surprise Endings for Twilight (With Pictures)
The Internet has been abuzz about the new ending for the final Twilight movie—Breaking Dawn, Part 2—being released on November 16th. Producers and author Stephenie Meyer collaborated on an ending for the film that’s different from the book. In the book, vampires from around the world gather to protect or try to kill Edward and Bella’s half-vampire child, Renesmee, but Bella’s communications skills (anticlimactically) thwart a giant, vampire battle from even starting. The movie will certainly end with a battle with lives probably lost on each side. Also, as recent rumors suggest, the movie will conclude in a way that allows movie spin-offs (perhaps, utilizing Meyer’s novella The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner). But, frankly, that’s not a lot of fun. Here, nine suggestions for alternate endings (with visual aids by Doogie Horner).
1. For the final scene, director Bill Condon replaces the young actress playing Renesmee with Honey Boo Boo. During the battle, Honey stands in front of her vampire family, face painted Braveheart-style, and screams “You better redneckognize!”
2. At the height of battle, while everyone is distracted, Buffy Summers, Blade, and Vampire-Hunter Lincoln sneak into the fight. All vampires—including Edward and Bella—are slaughtered.
3. Hoping to avoid a fight, Bella and Edward suggest a good, old-fashioned baseball game. The Volturi kill them all.
4. Cut away from the final battle, and Bella (Kristen Stewart) wakes up in bed. Seeing a riding crop and a butt plug on her nightstand, she realizes it was all a dream. She’s really Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh shit, her inner goddess thinks while biting her lip, where’s Christian?
5. During the battle, Jacob is knocked unconscious, transforming back to human form. Edward sees the naked, glistening, motionless Jacob. Filled with a strange longing, he rushes to Jacob’s side. As a single tear rolls down his sparkly cheek, he holds the lifeless Jacob in his arms. Jacob slowly wakes up and locks eyes with Edward. Jacob imprints. After a passionate kiss, the two run off together, hand-in-hand—and not caring when Bella is killed in the distance.
6. Scene cuts to Oprah Winfrey on the set of her old studio. Talking directly into the camera, she says that she has a huge surprise. “Not just for my studio audience, but for all you in the movie theater. I’m giving you eternity. You’re going to live FOOOR-EEEEEEEEEEE-ver.” As real vampires pop out in movie theaters across the country, biting every Twi-Mom, they hear Oprah yelling: “You get a vampire! And you get a vampire! And you get a vampire!” (Note: You would think that once word got out about this from initial screenings, it would result in the shortest-ever theater run. But, no. You don’t know Twi-Moms.)
7. Having missed the whole final battle, Jacob is awoken by his cell phone. It happened again: His second-cousin Alan (played by Zach Galifianakis) roofied the Wolf Pack.
8. Sometime in the indiscernible future, we hear muffled cheers as “She Works Hard for the Money” begins playing. Jacob (still played by Taylor Lautner) adjusts his golden thong, opens the door, and goes on stage at Magic Mike’s.
9. Hidden surprise ending! Post-credits roll, we see grainy footage of a private conversation between actors Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson at a Chipotle. Unbeknownst to them, we watch the two laugh, cry, eat some chips and guac, and then, finally, break up. Giving closure to millions of Americans.
[ILLUSTRATIONS: Doogie Horner]