The 10 Most Annoying Brand Mascots and Spokesthings
After hearing the (exciting) news that the Pennsylvania lottery sent spokesthing Gus the Groundhog to the taxidermist, we asked ourselves what other fictional brand representatives we’d like to see meet a quick (or cruel and unusual) demise. Here’s a roundup of the make-believe characters we wish would be erased, deleted or short-circuited.
Warning: We recommend that you remove impressionable children from the room because almost every character included on this list is entirely too creepy.
Cleatus the NFL FOX Robot: Are you ready for some football? If you’re not, make sure to turn your attention to the robot mime at the bottom of the screen. We keep waiting for it to chase Shia LaBeouf back and forth across the field for two hours while people throw money at Michael Bay.
McGruff the Crime Dog: Nothing says “start snitching” like a trench coat-wearing dog who talks like he’s doing a shitty impression of Christian Bale’s terrible batman voice.
Kia Dancing Hamsters: They’re dancing animals that drive a lime green Kia, wear parachute pants and blast LMFAO. It’s like they’re a timeline for the deterioration of American culture. Plus, dancing hamsters lost their appeal when we were still in grade school.
Buk, Old City District: Buk is an English bulldog and the face of Old City’s “Scoop the Poop” campaign. We’re not sure that a “Scoop the Poop” campaign will help the cause at all. Everyone knows it’s wrong to leave dog shit lying around. It’s not like someone is going to read a flyer and go, “Oh, we’re supposed to pick this crap up? My bad.” And, even if the campaign makes a positive impact, we don’t think the change will be attributed to Photoshopping an Army helmet onto a bulldog.
The Geico Gecko: We don’t care if he’s British or Australian. Quite frankly, we’re mostly bothered that he cuts into our face-time with the Geico cavemen and won out over the “pile of money with googly eyes and a remixed Rockwell song” campaign.
The General: It looks like the Monopoly guy is auditioning for a role in Platoon. He makes no sense. The overacting in these commercials is enough to make them heinous, but it’s the General that really does it. What’s with the creepy facial hair? Why is he rhyming and why the hell is there a sign-holding penguin riding shotgun?
The Little Piggy: Not that we’re asking for more of the gecko, but anything would be better than this wailing pig. And why the hell does it have pinwheels? Is it on its way home from the World’s Fair?
Snuggles: This stupid bear talks too much like Elmo, and it creepily watches other people’s babies while they sleep. Plus, it’s 2012, so every normal person has switched over to the revolutionary detergent/dryer-sheet combo. These things are a game-changer, by the way. If you haven’t switched, you might as well be using a washboard in a creek.
Pillsbury Dough Boy: People really need to stop tickling him. If people tickled me that often I’d freak out, and we’d end up in the news. And he needs to stop peddling his crappy rolls. We eat real bread, thank you.
The Lorax: We’re looking forward to the movie and we love Danny DeVito (Troll foot shoutout), but we really don’t need a Dr. Seuss character climbing into his ivory tower to tell us to be quiet at the movies.