VIDEO: The Best and Worst 2012 Super Bowl Commercials

See your favorites again and again. (Though, we totally understand if you can't watch another Smash commercial as long as you live.)

The Dream Team was mathematically eliminated from playoff contention practically an eternity ago. So, as America sat down to watch Manningface take on the Evil Empire in the biggest football game of the year, Eagles fans had little to look forward to. Luckily, the Super Bowl typically means a feast fit for kings and entertaining commercials to break up the on-the-field atrocity we all had to endure. Here’s a break down of the commercials that left a lasting impression and distracted me—even if it was for 30 seconds at a time—from the fact that it’s been 52 years since the Eagles won a championship.

Super Bowl Staples

Bud Light Platinum
The first commercial after kickoff was a commercial for the new Bud Light Platinum. The spot focuses on a bottle of the new brew and a voiceover as Kanye West’s “Runaway” plays in the background. Though the ad only makes use of the song’s instrumentals, in “Runaway,” Kanye sings, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags. Let’s have a toast for the assholes.” Which is fitting because those are the only people who will be drinking Bud Light Platinum.

Some of the Doritos spots may be a bit cheesy (see what I did there?) but they’re usually clever enough to induce some laughter. Last night they had the cat-killing dog that bribed his owner’s silence with Nacho Cheese Doritos and then a grandma slingshotting a baby to steal Doritos from some asshole kid who is also presumably her grandson.

Elton John presides over a court of ridiculously-dressed subjects desperate to entertain him to earn themselves a sip of Pepsi. After what appears to be many failed attempts, Melanie Amaro impresses him with her best Aretha Franklin impression. Elton John begrudgingly awards her a Pepsi which she throws at a lever to drop him into a dungeon with Flavor Flav. It would have been funnier if it was Madonna and Elton John wasn’t impressed enough to give her a sip.

Aw. The polar bear is clumsy. I loathe the fact that I’m this easily entertained.

Hey, Do You Want to Buy Some Sex?

Go Daddy
This ad campaign is entirely lost on me. When are we going to stop with the tired “she might be naked if you click this link” gimmick? If she were naked after the link, we’d have all heard about it via Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Instagram. In fact, if she were naked it would probably be a meme we’re all tired of already. I’m looking at you “Shit __ Say.”

Hey, did you know that people find David Beckham to be physically attractive? If you didn’t, here’s a blatant reminder from H&M.

John Carter
Speaking of men with a reputation for being physically attractive, here’s Tim Riggins killing aliens with big rocks.

Did You Know the Super Bowl Was on NBC?

The Voice
In which Adam Levine and company are called out for ogling Betty White in a robe. It’s a reality television show I’m never going to watch. But, as for the ad itself, I think they had us all at “Betty White in a robe.”

Hey, do you like Glee? Did you used to like Glee? Do you know someone who has ever once liked an episode of Glee? Have you heard of Steven Spielberg? Then you should definitely watch Smash. Don’t worry—you don’t have to make up your mind just yet because we’re going to run this spot 20 more times before Eli pulls the game out of his ass.

Celebrity Apprentice
How is this still a show? Seriously.

Eh: The Most Mediocre 2012 Super Bowl Commercials

This baby is a victim of his own success. I was expecting more than a cheap “speed dating” punch line. Womp womp.

Vampires are not cool. I’ve only seen two real-life vampires and they were a married couple selling stained-glass lamps at a flea market—true story. So, while everyone else is all wrapped up in the vampire craze that’s been occupying our culture since the first Blade movie, the rest of us will be preparing ourselves for what’s really important—the looming zombie apocalypse.

Best 2012 Super Bowl Commercials

The fat dog can’t fit out of the doggy door to chase the new Beetle so he works his ass off to drop some weight and get after that car. Then, just for good measure, they threw in a Darth Vader cameo. What’s not to love?

This ad rocked. It was simple, interesting, and visually appealing. It was like that old Ladanian Tomlinson Nike commercial except with a retro twist. Kudos, NFL.

There’s no way this is a car commercial. There’s no way this is a car commercial. There’s no way this is a car commercial. What was I saying again? Holy crap, it’s a car commercial. This spot for the Fiat Abarth makes elegant use of the theme from R. Kelly’s “You Remind Me of Something” in which “something” is “his Jeep.”

Bud Light
It’s funny because the ugly dog fetches beer for everyone. It’s so eager to please. And ugly.

Dannon Oikos
John Stamos gets headbutted. Then he’s scared. Two for flinching.
The kid can’t find a place to pee so he goes in the pool. Really, it’s a metaphor for life. We’re all just looking for a place to pee and wind up stuck back in the pool.