Top 12 Most Hideous Holiday Fashion Offenses
Our bizarre fascination with bad holiday sweaters has had far-reaching, dangerous consequences. As we’ve focused our sartorial concentration on heinous knitwear, other holiday fashion offenders have quietly slipped past our radar. I’m talking about bad sequins, earrings that jingle, scarves that leave unsuspecting chins looking like they’ve been embroiled in a make-out session with a tree trunk. The following 12 blunders are where we need to be focusing our attention, because while bad holiday sweaters are good for a laugh, there’s nothing funny about crappy chandelier earrings.
1. Poorly made sparkly things, and the trail of rogue sequins and specks of glitter they leave behind. Commiserates one colleague: “I’m tired of finding random sparkles on my husband’s cheek.”
2. People who make you take your shoes off at their parties. Listen: The shoes are part of my outfit. I’d rather you asked me to remove my pants than to take off my five-inch, pony-hair pumps. Do I ask you to remove your bra? No. So let my heels and me enjoy your champagne punch in peace.
3. Itchy scarves. Why would anyone make scarves of anything other than the softest cashmere? A wool scarf is good in theory, but absolutely chin-chafingly horrible in practice.
4. Static cling.
5. Chandelier earrings. At some time, some person, somewhere declared chandelier earrings to be the best way to declare yourself festively glamorous. “We’ve all bought into this idea that chandelier earrings say ‘I’m a party in a bag!’ and really, they don’t,” says a friend. But, alas, jewelry boxes all over the world are filled with cheap, shoulder-grazing earrings that make us all look like we’re running around with light fixtures hanging from our ears.
6. The pervasive confusion between leggings and tights. Leggings should not be worn underneath dresses. Tights should not be worn in lieu of pants. Contrary to popular belief (we’re looking at you, Lindsay Lohan), one cannot be substituted for the other. Feeling confused? Use this handy rule of thumb: If you can see flesh through them, they cannot be worn as pants.
7. The LBD.
8. Knee-high, pointy-toe boots, especially in black. These are more “woman of the night” than “silent night.”
9. Uggs. Forever, Uggs.
10. Christmas ties. Especially the kind that light up. Unless a gift from your small children, don’t wear it. You may think you look festive, but you really just look stupid. (Note: If your children are grown and they gift you with a Christmas tie, don’t wear it. They’re screwing with you.)
11. Any jewelry that looks like it’s been plucked off a Christmas tree—Santa pins, jingle-bell earrings. (Exception: Those under age nine or over age 90.)
12. Matching outfits. You think your kids look cute when they coordinate. In reality, they look like members of an extremely festive cult.