Is She Faking It?

Why (and how!) women sexually deceive their partners

Dear Monica, My girlfriend and I have been intimately involved for more than a year now. I still don’t know if she’s truly enjoying sex or faking it. How does a man really know the difference? — T. B., Cherry Hill

The truth is, it is much easier for a woman to fake it than a man. Men tend to offer up proof positive of their satisfaction. They, also as a rule, don’t cease until they cross the finish line. Women have a mystery about them. A few vocal affirmations and any man can be convinced he is Casanova reborn. Yes, women can successfully fake orgasms, but the question is: Why would women want to deny themselves the opportunity to be satisfied? Here are some reasons why women might fake it.

  • Open communication is the key to a good relationship in and out of the bedroom. If the woman is not fulfilled, it is up to her to express her needs. The couple has to work together so that both are truly enjoying themselves. If she wishes to deny herself a positive sexual experience that is on her.
  • If both partners are not open to improvement and learning what the other desires, the sex will never be good. If you truly love someone, you derive vicarious pleasure from your mate’s enjoyment. If this is not something you’re interested in, then you are not connected as a couple and you’re with the wrong person.
  • Not everybody is dialed in sexually, so it is not even on some people’s radar to pursue this kind of fulfillment. Faking it can be an easy way out without hurting anybody’s feelings. Think of it this way: At least you are getting laid …
  • Men have fragile egos. They may say that they want to know how to make a woman happy, but how many men can actually accept constructive criticism when it comes to their methods? Women have to tread very lightly when trying to teach their lover what is—and is not—a turn on. He may be thinking, “This worked on the website that I saw. It must be a shoe-in.” She is thinking atmosphere and attentiveness.

Now that you understand why a woman may fake an orgasm, here are ways to assess if your partner is truly satisfied or just playing along.

  • Use the “afterplay” to measure how good the sex was. Is she texting her friends or on to something else right afterward? Or is she cuddling and retaining feelings of intimacy?
  • Research shows that when women are not chatty when reaching an orgasm. Climaxing for women is as much a mental state as it is physical. She needs to feel loved and secure in order to let go. If she is screaming full sentences, there’s a good chance that there is some showmanship going on.
  • That said: It could be a problem if your partner is too quiet. If she’s not communicating with you at all, there’s probably a reason. Satisfied partners will let you know they’re happy. If she’s not letting you know she’s enjoying (or not enjoying) the sex, you may be dealing with someone who fakes it.

The thought process of “If I can’t make it, I’ll fake it” is so wrong. Men  can feel slighted and may have trouble trusting their partner’s honesty in all aspects of the relationship. Women who don’t feel close enough to their man to articulate their needs only cheat themselves out of pleasure. Heartfelt communication is the key to success in all relationships. Couples who are close to each other sexually connect on a deeper level than those who are not tuned in to each other. The reality is that sometimes you just can’t tell when she is faking it. The truth lies in the openness and depth of your relationship.

Monica Mandell, Ph.D. is the Director of the Philadelphia office of Selective Search, the premiere (off-line) upscale matchmaking firm for the most eligible singles. Please send your questions to: