In Your 30s and Still Single? It’s Your Fault

Take action and stop playing the victim!

Dear Monica,

People tell me that I am the total package: smart, pretty, thin, ambitious and sexy. I am in my early 30s and still single. I don’t understand why. Can you offer me some tips to set me on the right path? —L.K. , Berwyn

REALITY CHECK: You know why you’re still single.

Deep down, most unattached people know why they’ve put off couplehood. Ironically, even when they are actively looking, roadblocks arise. There is no question that people want to share their lives, and share love. Often times we unknowingly create interpersonal barriers that on the surface protect us from getting hurt or from feeling vulnerable.

Typical examples of roadblocks would be:

–     I’m crazy busy with work.  I barely have enough time for myself.
–     Guys lie, cheat, never call you back, have no clue.
–     I’ve had too many bad dates.
–     My life is full with work, interests, friends and family. I can’t figure out how a relationship would fit in.
–     I never meet anyone new that I like.

Any of these sound familiar?

Take a calculated, objective look at yourself. For this, turn to your friends or people you know who are in good relationships and that want the best for you. Skip the friends that may be jealous, insecure or have motives in keeping you single. Ask the trustworthy ones these questions:

–     Am I portraying someone who I am really not?
–     Am I a ‘power worker’ and use work as an excuse?
–     Am I traveling too much and never in town to date?
–     Do I cancel a lot of dates last minute?
–     Do I spend my time in the wrong places or the same places?
–     Am I dating someone who I can never see myself marrying?
–     Are there trends and patterns in my relationships that are unhealthy?
–     Do I come across as happy, emotionally available, likable and lovable?
–     Do I reveal too much up front?
–     Am I bitter, still angry towards, or still in love with an ex?
–     Am I too picky with superficial must-haves in a mate?
–     Does my appearance hinder me? Clothes too tight or too loose?
–     Do I put myself in new situations to meet the caliber person I am seeking?
–     Do I proactively source friends and business associates to see if they know someone special for me?
–     Do I create social opportunities to meet the right person, i.e., throw a party and have everyone bring someone of the opposite sex that’s single?

Your friends’ input, coupled with what you know deep down, will put you on a more objective, pro-active track to finding the love of your life.


If you want to land the right person, you need to hold yourself accountable and take action rather than play the victim. Prepare inside and out to be the best version of you-and know that the right person is also preparing to be the best version for you — and he is worth the wait. Work on yourself, so that you are happy, and know that love will be within reach!

Monica Mandell, Ph.D. is the Director of the Philadelphia office of Selective Search, the premiere (off-line) upscale matchmaking firm for the most eligible singles.  Please send your questions to: