Dear Kimberly: How Do I Stay Friends With a “Negative Nancy”?

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly,
Recently, I got a phone call from someone I consider a friend, but here’s the thing: Every time we talk, they’re negative. They never have anything to share that they’re excited about or looking forward to. Instead, they mostly just complain. I’ve also noticed that every time we talk, they bring me down. Is it possible to maintain a connection with someone so determined to see the bad in every situation or is it better to cut my losses and stop talking to them? — Tired of the Negativity

Dear Tired of the Negativity,

For those of us who have friends like this, we know how hard it can be to spend time with someone who persistently focuses on the negative. Their critical attitude can create a dark cloud over what might otherwise have been a great vibe. Negativity can be contagious, and while expressing valid criticisms or frustrations has its place, it can be toxic. We therefore have every right (and a responsibility, I might add) to protect ourselves from people who threaten our positivity and our peace. I understand why you’re considering not talking to someone who you have counted as a friend over their bad attitude.

Unfortunately, your friend may have absolutely no idea that they live in a loop of negative ruminations. They might think this is the best, if not the only way, to interact with you. Sharing criticisms, expressing dissatisfaction, and persistently looking for what’s wrong, may be how they relate to people generally.

Regardless, it’s sad that so many people have been conditioned to relate to other people this way or that they struggle to identify and move beyond their own negativity. They miss out on so much joy. I’ve certainly known more than one adult who relied on complaining as a way of social-emotional bonding. It’s strange in my opinion, but it’s definitely a real phenomenon.

Every time I’ve known someone who communicates this way as a default, I’ve learned that it is reflective of the household that they grew up in. They often were raised in a family where people — be it parents, grandparents, older siblings, or extended family members — filled silences with negative observations. I try to keep this in mind that their relational style, or negative mindset, might be the result of their upbringing when I interact with them.

I also tend to think that you also should hold compassion for the possibility that their thinking may be reflective of some deeper sadness or anxiety that they’re struggling with. Instead of reacting with impatience or disregard, it may be helpful to pause and try to evaluate if they might benefit from the help of a therapist or counselor. If so, you may be able to gently make the suggestion.

My advice is that you assess if this is who they have always been or if this is a new quality. If in looking back you recall a pattern, it might be wise to only connect with that person sparingly. Should you decide to talk to them, I encourage you to try to enter each conversation with an open mind and an open heart. If you find them in a positive headspace, make an effort to connect with them. But if you conclude that they’re not capable of offering something healthy, pause and fall silent or just end the call. It’s up to you whether or not you share with them that you’re disinterested in social exchanges which focus mostly or only on criticisms. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is share our observations about their relational challenges. Other times, it’s best to let them go.

It’s likely that your friend has many positive qualities. It’s also possible that they’re going through something really hard to manage and that they’ve lost sight of how critical they’ve become. If you have deep emotional roots, you may be the person who can help them see that they’ve fallen into some kind of a sunken place. However, if that’s not the nature of your bond, you have every right to reduce your investment in this friendship and to redirect your social battery towards people pursuing (and protecting) their own positivity — something that’s no small feat at this moment.

Instead of dropping into a space of negativity with them, give your time and attention to friendships with people who have the capacity to see what’s possible and to focus on positive futures. There will always be an opportunity to wage a complaint, but you are better served by connections with people who are able to count their wins and to return the rays of light you seek to send out. We all are.

With courage and care,
Kimberly