Dear Kimberly: How Do I Make More Friends in Adulthood?

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly,

I’ve recently found I love hosting people for any occasion, from a full dinner party to just watching a movie, which is a major step-up from the horribly shy self I was when I was younger. However, I don’t really have anyone to invite over. There’s a group of four people I reach out to frequently, but I’d like to have others to invite, so the four don’t feel like they always have to come over. Everyone else talks about other friends that they have, and I only have the four. It’s so disheartening that I’ve started to wonder if I truly can’t socialize. How do I make more friends to invite over? — Ready for Company

Dear Ready for Company,

Congratulations on discovering a new era in your life as hostess with the mostess! In a moment where so many people are searching for community, your offer is priceless. So many of us are in need of comfort and care, and it’s fantastic that you’ve decided to share your home with others.

As someone who knows what it’s like to feel shy sometimes, I applaud all your growth. We all love to be on the receiving end of a committed host, but taking on the task is no joke! But now that you’ve fallen in love with its joy, it sounds like it’s time to expand your social circle. The good news is that you’ve managed to maintain four stable relationships, so you already know the fundamentals of maintaining friendships (be available, be consistent, be honest). Now, you’re ready to scale!

Looking back, I’ve met some of my best friends through people we’ve had in common. One thing that might work for you is to encourage your “core four” to each invite a plus-one to your next gathering. Best case scenario, you’re able to make friends with their friends, which might be a fast pass to launching some sturdy new relationships. This would certainly help take the pressure off the existing group, as well as grow your own personal community.

If you take this path, you should consider designing conversation starters that would allow this wider group to connect on a deeper basis. Try using prompts that allow each person to share something vulnerable — such as their dreams for themselves or others — which may help them forge emotional bonds as an expanded group.

There are also many interesting opportunities to befriend people via local, public-community platforms that give people a chance to gather around shared interests, like volunteering for causes you care about or taking a class to learn about something that has always intrigued you alongside others who share a similar curiosity. I volunteer at Books Through Bars, a West Philly nonprofit which gets donated books into prisons. On more than one occasion, after I’ve left the two hours of service, I’ve invited a fellow solo volunteer to grab tacos with me across the street so that we could debrief. There’s no way to tell if someone will become a lifelong friend because of invitations like this, but the way I see it, we all begin real friendships as strangers, right?

The truth is that making new friends requires open-mindedness and sincere curiosity about other people. But the return on the investment you’re about to make could be huge! I’m so excited for you.

With courage and care,
Kimberly