Dear Kimberly: Help! My Friends Only Want to Text

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Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly,

I’m wondering why all of my contacts, a small group, although extremely loyal, only communicate by answering texts rather than reaching out to meet in-person or chat on the phone. I have tried calling, and encouraging them to reach out, make plans, or, heck, even just check in on me. No one ever does. I can’t hold it to one type of relationship; it’s all ages and stages — from close cousins to great coworkers to cordial neighbors. I always check-in whether it’s bad weather, holidays, or no reason at all. I’m starting to feel like if I waited for anyone to communicate, I would never speak to anyone. Any great ideas? — Over the Texts

Dear Over the Texts,

It’s amazing (I guess that’s one way of wording it?) how much things have changed in the last two decades. I didn’t get a cellphone until about 2001 and since then, communication has evolved — or devolved — so much. There was an era where “being on the phone” was what we did! I’ll never forget the hours I spent on the phone with my best friend analyzing the guys we were dating and our parallel irritations! She helped me through some pretty pitiful times. And then there was the pandemic when FaceTime and Google Meets and Zoom calls were the lifeline we desperately needed. Those forms of communication maintained our sense of connection and community, and they helped us to feel seen. They got us through!

Here’s what I know for sure: I, like you, miss the time that I used to spend catching up with my closest friends, especially those who live far away. I miss feeling like someone was there to check in on me.

But here’s something else I also know: Many of my favorite people are struggling to manage very full lives. Extended time on the phone — or even in person — isn’t practical for them anymore. Now, I cherish the occasional sound of their voices or embrace when we can get together — and have surrendered to the reality that their not calling isn’t necessarily personal. It’s been incredibly helpful to reframe the lack of calls and in-person meetings as a sign of their capacity rather than thinking of it as a rejection of me or an indicator of the health of our friendship.

How do I make it work for me and for them? When I’m able, I continue to call. When they’re able, they answer the phone. The portal opens, the stars align, and we drop into leisurely check-ins like we used to. They feel seen and I feel cared for. In those moments, I savor their presence and find comfort in being able to experience them that way. I count those moments as a precious (and fleeting) gift. And I certainly don’t take those opportunities to be connected with them for granted as much as I once did. It’s a chance to talk about something important to me or to squeeze in a quick pitch for an in-person hangout. Sometimes, we’re fortunate and an in-real-life get-together gets scheduled.

But more often than not, the call I place doesn’t get answered, as my friends take care of their children, or their parents, or their bills. In those moments, I honor our friendship with a text: a reminder of my love, a generous word of affirmation, or an invitation to schedule time to jump on a call and catch up. Mostly, I offer them grace from a distance. That said, if they are consistently disappointing you, you have every right to be brave and say something, or to decide that the relationship lacks the reciprocity your heart is longing for.

We can’t control how often we see or talk to our friends, but we can choose to hold space and patience for them. Texting will never replace the full value of a good long, overdue drop-in. But sometimes it’s the “just enough” dose of connection that keeps a loyal friendship/relationship alive. And sometimes, that has to be enough. In the meantime, I encourage you to keep being the one to check in, recognizing that everyone can’t give what you can, everyone doesn’t need what you do, and that a lack of outreach doesn’t mean a lack of love.

With courage & care,
Kimberly