Dear Kimberly: How to Recognize — and Greet — Jealousy

Kimberly McGlonn is back with gentle wisdom to help you navigate life’s tough situations. Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column.

Dear Kimberly: While I don’t like to admit it, I am often plagued by jealousy. Sometimes it’s over someone’s lifestyle; sometimes, it’s their job title, their upbringing, or even their body type. I know it’s petty (which is embarrassing), but I can’t seem to break my gut reaction to people who have something I want — and being on social media definitely isn’t helping. How can I do better? — Green with Jealousy

Dear Green with Jealousy,

First, good for you for recognizing that what you’re feeling is jealousy and for acknowledging it. There’s a lasting cultural norm that feeling jealous is something to hide and feel ashamed of. But while we’re taught to either ignore it or deny it, jealousy has a way of surfacing: It seeps out as shady acts of resentment or insecurity or a false sense of superiority. In that way, jealousy can ruin our sense of esteem and our chance for healthy relationships. It can also ruin friendships and divide families. But jealousy, I’m learning, is an incredible temperature check on understanding what we truly want. And if you focus less attention on the person you’re jealous of and more attention on what that feeling is teaching you about your own desires, it can set your life on a course that aligns with what you’re really aspiring to. It’s certainly done that for me.

Now, you mention social media. It’s helpful to acknowledge that sometimes people are actually seeking to provoke jealousy in what they share and how. It’s not a choice I’m a fan of. Recognizing that has made me really mindful of what — and how — I’m communicating on social media platforms, and I encourage you to do the same. One way is by investigating our intentions. As I’m deciding what to share, I do it in hopes of triggering joy, encouragement, and solidarity. We all have to be mindful of both what we’re picking up and what we’re putting down.

I think that one medicine for jealousy is developing more appreciation for what you currently have, while still setting up an openness for what you want. So instead of using your energy to do a deep dive on someone else’s life and what makes it so much better than yours, create a vision board for the life you want, and the road map for how you’re going to design that life. Focus your energy not on online lowkey stalking and social media investigative research, but instead on fine-tuning your plan for what’s going to move your life in the direction you want, or your marriage in the direction you want, or your savings in the direction you want. In that way, jealousy can be like a weather vane, a compass, a tool that helps orient you towards what you want — or away from what you want less of. It can reestablish what you can control. No, you can’t control what kind of privilege you were or weren’t born into, but there is still a lot that you can control. In recognizing that, you can remove that nagging sense of “Why me?” — and instead pivot to “Why not me?”

And remember: You rarely know exactly how another person is living, or what their battles truly may be. That doesn’t mean you can’t be motivated by the things you see other people achieving or building. So here’s my advice: Be inspired, be patient, and be kind to yourself. Then, when you arrive at your dreams, you can have more capacity to share your success with joy and generosity, and without fueling jealousy in others.

With courage and care,
Kimberly