Introducing Philly Mag’s New Advice Column, Dear Kimberly

“A new year is a time for new energy, new resources, new tools — new support,” says Kimberly McGlonn. You may recognize the name — McGlonn, who has a PhD in curriculum and instruction, wears many hats around Philly: She’s the VP of social impact at Fitler Club, the author of Build It Boldly: How Daring Business Leaders Can Gain Influence and Create Impact, a teacher of 25 years, and the founder of the sustainable fashion brand Grant BLVD. “I’m an architect of social design,” she says. She’s also a mom whose ties to Philly go back four generations. “My great grandmother lived in Point Breeze, and we visited her [from Milwaukee] during summer breaks from school,” she says with affection.

McGlonn’s curiosity has taken her around the country and the world — and wherever she goes, she tends to attract advice-seekers. Now, she’s channeling her natural gift for guiding others to this, Philly Mag’s new advice column. She’ll answer your most pressing, private, provocative Qs with her signature wisdom and warmth (and she’ll turn to other experts when you stump her).

Have a Q for Kimberly? Fill out the form here and we’ll do our best to feature it in an upcoming column. Today’s Q deals with a feeling we can all relate to: shame.

Dear Kimberly: Sometimes I feel a nagging sense of shame. Shame for things I’ve done, or think I’ve done wrong. Sometimes over nothing in particular. What should I do with that feeling?

Thank you so much for having the courage to ask this. Shame is such a universal part of the human experience — and it manifests across our lives. When you’re little and you steal candy from the grocery store! When you’re in the workplace and you say the “wrong” thing to your boss. When you slept with that regrettable person (twice!). When you were impatient with your child. When your moral compass fell short and you lost sight of your heart’s due north. But as oppressive — and unique — as our shame can feel, it is such a common emotion.

I’m learning that, at times, shame is something imposed upon us. It’s not always rooted in what’s true or kind, but in dynamics of power. Other times, it offers a chance for us to look deeper and gain clarity on what we have done and who we have been. Once we reflect deeply, we have an opportunity to figure out a way forward. At times this is as simple as offering a straightforward apology to whomever we believe we have offended. The humility this requires can be the price we have to pay to create restoration and to give us a sense of relief.

But more often than not, shame is perhaps something deeper: It’s about feeling disappointed in ourselves. And if we’re not careful about it, shame can create really tragic paralysis, where we find ourselves in front of a tall wall of personal disappointment. If we’re not able to stand up and face it, then we just end up sitting down and surrendering precious time, holding ourselves hostage.

So I like to think of shame as an opportunity — an opportunity for us to deepen our understanding of grace. It’s really hard to be gracious with other people when we haven’t yet discovered how to be full of grace with ourselves. We have to recognize that in this long walk called life, we will in fact make mistakes. To borrow from The Matrix, sometimes we won’t choose the right pill. But the beauty of it all is that we have a new opportunity, a new mercy, every day, to right our walk, and to practice the grace for ourselves that we have to practice extending to other people. Shame prompts the important question of how can we be kinder to ourselves. To acknowledge our mistakes — and to see that what we really are unearthing is the question of where did we fall short and why did we fall short? And then to begin again.

Self-compassion is something you can get better at. It’s a proactive thing, a practice. You have to have reasonable standards, you have to be accountable for your actions and their effects on others — but we need to resist perfectionism, to permit ourselves to make mistakes, and to grow from them.

As you think about shame, keep in mind that it can either stop and stunt us — keep us running in circles of repentance and regret — or it can propel us forward. I believe that one way we grow is by letting things go. And feeling shame is an opportunity to do just that. Releasing shame can make us more self-aware, mature parents, partners, professionals — the kind of people others want to be around, and most importantly, that we feel proud to be. Dust it off and push on.

With courage & care,
Kimberly

Share your Qs for Kimberly here.