Too Many Brazilian Men Have Sex with Animals

And by "too many," I mean more than zero.

Every once in a while, I stumble over something so unlikely, so unexpected, that it changes how I see the world. Today was one of those whiles. It seems some researchers in Brazil decided to examine whether having sex with animals increased men’s risk of developing penile cancer.

I would not have thought these researchers could have come up with enough study subjects to enable them to form any conclusions in this matter, since I’ve reached the ripe old age of 55 believing that having sex with animals was … well, rare. More rare among men than, say, being out of work. Or being circumcised. Or wanting to get married. And yet this scientific study showed that the percentage of guys in Brazil who are having sex with animals (or “SWA,” as the researchers coyly dubbed it) is exactly the same as these percentages, give or take a point: 35 percent.

One third. Of men. Having SWA.

There’s more! Thirty-eight percent of these Brazilian SWAers are steadfastly monogamous, always returning to the same critter-partner (though 62 percent cheat. With other animals). Thirty-nine percent have SWA on a weekly basis. Only 15 percent have at it monthly. Thirty percent had sex with animals when they got together with a group of fellow sex-with-animal guys, while 70 percent had at it while alone—except, of course, for the creature at hand. The average age at which males began having sex with animals? A mere 13.5 years.

If you’ve gotten this far, I suppose you’ve earned the payoff: Yes indeed, having sex with animals does increase one’s chances of developing penile cancer. But I think it’s more likely that, like me, somewhere on the way to here, you decided to just stop reading. Altogether. Forever. Before you find out anything else you really didn’t want to know.