From Julio to Jay-Z … The talent playing Atlantic City this weekend is truly an absurd mix that spans half a century, crossing many demographics. First you’ve got Julio Iglesias Friday and Saturday at Caesars. I’ve gotta be honest, I have no idea what Julio sings or what the draw is, but he’s said to have played more than 5,000 shows throughout his career, so there must be somebody out there who is his Biggest Fan. Then you’ve got Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige at Boardwalk Hall on Saturday. Unlike the dynamic duo’s recent Philly performance, lots of tickets remain. In a bizarre blast from the past, ex-clothes-shedding Debbie Gibson — oh, sorry, Deborah Gibson (remember her Playboy spread?) — begins a three-week run at Harrah’s on Sunday. And the incomparable-on-so-many-levels Dolly Parton plays her rescheduled (due to, er, back pain) Borgata gig Saturday night. Simultaneously in the Borgata, there’s Tracy Morgan. Even if he just puts 30 Rock re-runs on the projector, its bound to be funny.

And they’re off … Saturday is the 134th Kentucky Derby. Start the day off right at McGillin’s Olde Ale House with $3 mint juleps. If the kids are tagging along, precluding the consumption of copious amounts of bourbon, head to Franklin Square, where Philly’s own equestrian heroes Smarty Jones and Afleet Alex have been immortalized as carousel horses (for $60,000!!!). From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., every kid that rides will receive a first-place ribbon. Finally, everyone actually wins.

At last, a reason to hang out under I-95 … I love Zoe Strauss. Her photography is real Philadelphia: mean, gritty and honest. So there’s no better place for a Zoe Strauss exhibit than in South Philly, under I-95. Front and Mifflin from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday. Her work is so real, it’s realer than real. It’s unreal. Just, um, check it out.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you … A lot of people are confused. This Sunday is not Mother’s Day. Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. Which gives you a whole extra week to completely forget. This year, skip the Godiva and opt for John & Kira’s locally made chocolates. You have to order by May 6th for delivery, and you don’t want to send them belated, right?

Apologies for the uncharacteristically succinct Weekender, but my third home in Chesapeake calls. Here are some things worth doing.

R&B
Hometown heroine Jill Scott saunters up North Broad to tell us a thing or two at the Liacouras Center. With Musiq Soulchild. Friday; 8 p.m. $46 to $66.

BOOZE
Philly Beer Week swerves into town, offering no shortage of events all over the city for lovers of the suds. Times and prices vary.

DANCE
Koresh Dance Company moves into their new home on Broad at the Suzanne Roberts Theatre with two world premieres Friday through Sunday; times vary. $25 to $30. If you need something a bit less sexy, try the Pennsylvania Ballet’s Messiah — yes, as in the “Hallelujah Chorus” — at the Academy. Friday through Sunday; times vary. $22 to $124.

ROCK
So you think that instrumental music tends to lack energy? Veteran West Philly freakout-ers Stinking Lizaveta will convince you otherwise at Johnny Brenda’s. Don’t worry, they sell earplugs at the bar. Friday; 10 p.m. $8.

COMEDY
Helium Comedy Club brings in Robert Kelly — you’ll recognize him from HBO’s Tourgasm and his occasional Law & Order appearances — for a few laughs. Friday and Saturday; times vary. $20 to $24. And for the set not quite ready for dirty jokes, they’ve got local tot comedian The Great Holtzie, who describes himself as the “Anti Mr. Rogers.” Saturday; 3 p.m. $10.

ART
Is the whole First Friday strolling around thing too tiring or heady for you? The WMGK Classic Rock Art Show — featuring posters, photos and album art from your favorite bands — won’t tax your brain or body much at all. Promise. At the Shops at Liberty Place through March 22nd.

I guess some people do have a bit of disposable income … Not so long ago, the idea of driving to Atlantic City for a concert not featuring an almost-dead person was absurd. But tonight alone you’ve got Carrie Underwood/Keith Urban at Boardwalk Hall and Alanis/Matchbox Twenty at the Borgata, both of which are utterly sold out, though your friendly neighborhood scalper is surely well-stocked. Should you prefer to see the almost-dead, the the Commodores are at Trump Plaza. Well, actually, it’s the Commodores without Lionel Richie,, so I’m not sure what you call that, other than totally not worth the $50 ticket price.

Won’t this false holiday ever end? … It’s possible that you, like a lot of people, don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day because you know that’s for suckers. So I asked Philly Mag super-intern Andrea Carayiannas (we just call her “Andrea”) to come up with some Valentine-specific suggestions for the sensibly belated among you, and here’s her short list: Hunky New York jazz vocalist Jack Donahue on unrequited love at the Art Museum’s Valentine’s Cabaret; nudity and adult situations abound in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Aspects of Love at Plays & Players; and, uh, for the “knotty couple,” as Andrea puts it, adult-oriented Passional Boutique in Queen Village offers a two-hour “Bound for Pleasure” workshop. Hey, we don’t make the news, we just report it.

Wait a second — it’s not First Friday … In case you feel completely disconnected from the city’s visual art scene, you might want to check out Art Glut, featuring nearly 50 Philly artists. It’s not at PAFA. It’s not at the PMA. It’s not in Old City. It is, of all things, in the South Philly rowhome (aka My House Gallery) of UArts grad Alex Gartelmann. Really. There’s not even a website. Friday 5:30 to 8:30 p.m, Saturday and Sunday 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.; 2534 South 8th Street; 908-370-1656.

SNEAK PEEK
Yes, it’s true that the Frida Kahlo exhibit opens next week at the Art Museum and that there are more than a few $20 tickets still available, but that won’t get you the private tour by the curator, the “festive dress and dancing,” and the “Mexican fare” being offered to those willing to plunk down $750 (most of which is tax-deductible) for tonight’s Frida Fiesta Valentine’s Day Gala. (There are also $200 and $250 tickets available, which do not include the private tour.) So if you still haven’t made any Valentine’s reservations (you fool), you could do worse than this.

FOODIE FOREPLAY
Personally, I am offended by the notion of aphrodisiacs. The idea that the warm, inviting feeling that people get around me could come from a bivalve or arugula or fig is just plain insulting. Still, if you need something to do with your significant other and gala-ing or dinner at a place so undesirable that reservations are still available is not in the cards, the $40 aphrodisiac guided tasting at Di Bruno Bros. might provide some amount of satisfaction. There are only a few tickets left, and you can only buy them the old-fashioned way: 212-209-3370. (And yes, I do mean 212.)

Oh, man. You still haven’t figured out Valentine’s Day? Woe is you. First, if you were planning on dining with another couple (which is pretty lame on V-Day, by the way), forget those plans because that table for four just ain’t happening. But if you act very, very quickly, you could go on OpenTable and score a 7 p.m. table for two at Ansill, a 7:15 at Pond in Radnor, or an 8:15 at Brandywine Prime.

Of course, keep in mind that OpenTable is not the end all, be all of restaurant reservations. For instance, the White Dog is on OpenTable, but doesn’t show any availability for Thursday night. However, if you call the restaurant, they can get you in. Promise. And let’s say you want to do oysters at Nineteen. Their dining room has been booked for weeks, but there’s no reason why you can’t slide into a comfy love seat in the lounge and gaze lovingly at each other over some Cape May salts and a glass (okay, several glasses) of bubbles. Granted, you’ll have to fight for that table, but it sure beats winding up at Outback.

Or, you could always go the late-night dinner route. In this case, very late. For instance, Xochitl, which does not use OpenTable, is doing 11 p.m. reservations, in case you have off on Friday or are impervious to ill-advised quantities of tequila. To avoid the all-too-accurate appearance to your significant other that you waited until the last minute to think about all of this, and in keeping with the Mexican thing, I’d suggest pulling some strings and scoring an invitation to the Art Museum’s Frida Kahlo preview gala to bide your time before dinner.

CLASSICAL MUSIC
Grammy-winning concert pianist and recipient of the coolest name award Emanuel Ax (pictured) and his also-pianist wife Yoko Nozaki team up with the Orchestra and special guest conductor Alan Gilbert (NY Philharmonic, Royal Stockholm Philharmonic, and Hamburg’s NDR Symphony Orchestra, whew!…) at the Kimmel for a bit of Hillborg and Bartok. If you’re not convinced, go for the $7.50 tickets (plus, some people say that the sound is better in the nosebleeds…).

THEATER
No matter what you may think about the beleaguered little town of Bristol, the Bristol Riverside Theatre (with over 50 Barrymore nominations), should not be dismissed. Their current show, Welcome Home Marian Anderson, about the groundbreaking Philadelphia contralto, ends on Sunday.

SPEAKING OF LAST CHANCES
Also ending this weekend: the Auto Show at the Convention Center, Avenue Q at the Forrest, John Francisco’s photography exhibit “Far from Zion: Jews, Diaspora, Memory” at the University of the Arts, Whistle Down the Wind (music by Andrew Lloyd Webber) at the Merriam, and Yasmina Reza’s Art at Delaware Theatre Company.

Should you wish to postpone your trek through the Wissahickon, here are some alternate ideas …

Because she has such great genes … So her birth name is Lisa, but her stage name is simply Simone, a nod (and marketing gimmick, of course) to her mother, the late, great singer/pianist/civil rights activist Nina Simone. (Whose own name, it must be said, was not Nina Simone but Eunice Kathleen Waymon.) But the living Simone is no Frank Sinatra Jr. She’s got talent and individuality, not to mention killer looks (at 45!) and a successful Broadway career, having starred in Jesus Christ Superstar,, Rent, and Aida. Still, she doesn’t exactly shy away from the comparisons or connection to Nina — a cover album of her mother’s songs is due in April. She brings her lovely self and her mini-orchestra to World Cafe Live on Saturday.

Because it’s not just the day you get paid … This being the first Friday of the month, all the galleries are doing their regular thing. But it’s way too miserable out to contemplate a casual stroll, even if there is wine and cheese along the way. If you have the stamina for only one event, make it the Corsets for a Cure auction/gala featuring those oh-so-snug fitting under- (or over-) garments, designed by local corsetier Delicious Corsets and hand-painted by some of the area’s most talented artists to benefit the Linda Creed Breast Cancer Foundation.

Because the parking garages around the Convention Center clearly need your money … In case you somehow missed hearing about it, the Auto Show opens to the public tomorrow — and you know you want to check out that SmartCar, even if it is the death trap that a lot of people are saying it is. (For the record, my friends in Spain love theirs, and whenever anyone says anything about the safety issue, they go off on this whole Bush-oil-SUV-conspiracy thing.) This evening is the $200-per-person preview affair, with lots of swilling and Stephen Starr grub. I’ve got $500 for anyone who gets ejected tonight for indiscretions in the back seat of the Rolls Royce Phantom.

Because you only watch it for the commercials, and last year they pretty much sucked … I’m going to go way out on a stereotyping limb here, but if you’re the type of person who has absolutely zero interest in watching the commentators slobber all over themselves, I’m guessing that you’re probably also the type of person who enjoys a quiet night at the theater. Some suggestions for Sunday night: the closing night of Vivien (the story of Gone With the Wind star Vivien Leigh) at the Walnut Street’s Independence Studio; Avenue Q (profane puppetry) at the Forrest; Arthur Miller’s The Price on the Walnut’s main stage; and Wittenberg at the Arden (somehow they made Martin Luther and 1500s Germany funny).