Highs and Lows of The Bachelor, Week 2

As we enter week two of season 19 of The Bachelor, the more I think the show really is a fantastic compliment to Game of Thrones. A Game of Thrones episode might pass without anyone dying. Your favorite character might survive another week. But each episode of The Bachelor is essentially a ticking clock to the rose ceremony, where at least one (and maybe more!) women will be sent home. It’s not quite as bloody as the HBO hit series, but it’s definitely more ruthless.

Let’s get to this week’s carnage.

LOW. We ended on a cliffhanger last week, with an eliminated contestant (Kimberly) returning to beg Farmer Chris for another shot on the show. After host Chris Harrison says that this game show does not have any set rules—my first thought was that this was a violation of federal law—Farmer Chris brings Kimberly back. I fully expected another limo full of women to pull up at that point.

HIGH. While six of the contestants were on a group date, Jillian (a news producer) and Megan (a make-up artist) “broke” into Farmer Chris’ pad because the host of the show told them to. They were wearing bikinis for some reason, and Jillian’s was too hot for TV.

This has to be unnecessary, right?

LOW. That first group date was a combination pool party/tractor race, which is exactly as confusing as it sounds. The pool party lasted about two minutes before the twist to the incredibly slow tractor race. If your fetish is “watching women in bikinis drive tractors on the streets of Los Angeles”, then last night’s The Bachelor was the greatest night of your life.

HIGH. This shirt.

Interesting font choices.

LOW. Perhaps because of her skill at breaking and entering, Megan got a one-on-one date with Chris at the Grand Canyon. On this date, she shared her story of how her father died right after she applied to be on The Bachelor. But she persevered, and decided to stay on the show despite her dad’s untimely passing. This is, so far, the most uncomfortable moment of this season. I’m sure it will be topped next week.

HIGH. On a zombie paintball date, a contestant actually acknowledges this is a game show! After hairstylist Ashley S. weirds everyone out with her performance art-esque behavior, Kaitlyn—the Vancouver dance instructor who is my pick to win—goes on this rant: “People watch the show, and see crazy people here, and think, ‘Is that staged? Is she an actress? What’s going on? Is she really that crazy?” And I’m here to tell everybody that Ashley is a full-blown crazy girl on The Bachelor.”

LOW. We learn another fact about freelance journalist Ashley I.: She’s a virgin! We’re still #TeamAshley in this recap, but “26-year-old virgin” is a less interesting gimmick than “freelance journalist.”

HIGH. At the rose ceremony, Farmer Chris called Juelia’s name, but Jillian stepped forward. When he attempted to clarify, The Bachelor briefly became The Three Stooges.

She steadied herself on heels and managed to avoid falling! That is impressive. I also like how Farmer Chris leans forward as if to help her, but does not actually move. There was a happy ending: Jillian got her own rose later.

LOW. No more local connection! Hamilton, New Jersey, resident and Saint Joseph’s graduate Alissa—a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines, per her LinkedIn—was eliminated last night. The only upside is that we never really got to know her, since she was lost in the shuffle with the other 45 contestants.

https://twitter.com/a__giambrone/status/554843772933382144

Also gone: Jordan, Kimberly, Tandra and Tara. Yes, Kimberly got her second chance and was promptly eliminated herself. Jordan and Tara were “the drunk ones,” so it’s incredibly sad to see them go, too. Just last week Tara was “the breakout star” of the new season! Her exit interview about rejection was excruciating: “I get it a lot, I don’t know why I’m not used to it yet… it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.” See? This is sadder than The Red Wedding.

HIGH. Here are the three best lines you can append “on this game show” to the end of from episode two.

• Chris Harrison: “This is your life, so there are no rules for that” (on this game show).
• Contestant Ashley S., to Farmer Chris: “You don’t want to lose your soul” (on this game show).
• Contestant Megan: “I’ve never been this happy my entire life” (on this game show).

Until next week!