Highs and Lows of the Bachelor, Week 6

“The deception continues with the most dramatic two-on-one date in Bachelor history.” This is how this week’s episode of The Bachelor opened. (It was soon after followed by, “later, Bill O’Reilly on Kimmel.”) Let’s just get into it, and see if that promo was true.

LOW. We open, Rocky II-style, with a complete replay of the end of last week’s episode. “Kelsey had a fake panic attack to get more time with Chris,” Carly the Cruise Ship Singer says. We learn all the contestants believe Kelsey faked it, and it’s clear Farmer Chris will eliminate her in the rose ceremony.

HIGH. Then he keeps Kelsey. Samantha and Mackenzie were eliminated. “We have been told there are no rules, and Kelsey was taking advantage of that,” Mackenzie says. “I just wanted to punch her in the teeth holder,” Kaitlyn says. “Kelsey is a black widow,” Carly says.

LOW. This week, Farmer Chris is taking the contestants to Deadwood, South Dakota. There are only nine contestants left.”There’s a ton of history here. This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed,” Farmer Chris says. “This is where Calamity Jane did her business. This town is pretty badass.” This is not the low point. The low point is when Farmer Chris went to Deadwood and took Old Time Photos, Wildwood boardwalk-style.

HIGH. While this episode aired, I got a text from a regular watcher of the show. “Becca just got a one-on-one date,” it read. “Who is Becca?” (She’s a chiropractic assistant who can’t live without wifi or Netflix.)

LOW. “I want Chris to kiss me. It’s been a while since I’ve had a kiss,” Becca says. “But I’m a virgin, so it’s kind of awkward for me.” Shouldn’t being a virgin make kissing less awkward? It’s like the primary thing you do with guys. After a boring date, Becca gets a rose.

HIGH. Kelsey and Ashley I. the Freelance-Writing Virgin learn they will have a two-on-one date with Farmer Chris. “I’m maybe the first girl in Bachelor history who’s happy about getting the two-on-one,” Ashley I. says.

LOW. The group date is weird, even for this show: The contestants have to write songs about Chris and perform them in front of him, with help from Big & Rich. Not only are most of the singers bad, but the one contestant — Carly the Cruise Ship Singer — has a huge advantage on the other contestants. This is literally less fair than a virginity contest would be, since at least there are two virgins.

Somehow, the date ends with Farmer Chris and Britt sneaking out and attending an impromptu Big & Rich concert where they sing a song that is kind of about The Bachelor. They go on stage and Britt gets a rose, then Big & Rich sing that song from ESPN’s World Series of Poker coverage. Disney synergy!

HIGH. Kaitlyn, the dance instructor from Vancouver, does provide a highlight of the evening by rapping for Farmer Chris. The key line is, “Red [something] fever/ Make him touch my beaver.” Beaver was bleeped. Also, Big & Rich made fun of the Farmer from Iowa for wearing fancy boots and tight jeans.

LOW. The date opens pretty slowly. And by that I mean, they take a helicopter to the Badlands and head to a bed in the middle of nowhere. Yawn. Kelsey and Ashley I. don’t really do anything until…

THE HIGHEST HIGH OF THE ENTIRE SEASON. Ashley I. gets Farmer Chris alone, and tells her that Kelsey is fake and all the other women hate her. Chris, showing the same tact he has all season, immediately tells Kelsey. Then he sort of goes off by himself, which leads to an argument between the two girls. “You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words,” Ashley I. says to Kelsey. “You and I both have our Masters and I have it from a good place.” Wait, shouldn’t the freelance writer be the one who uses bigger words?

So why was this so good? I will not leave you in suspense any longer: Farmer Chris eliminated Both Ashley I. and Kelsey. Not even my admiration for both contestants’ skill at the game could prevent me from enjoying this. First, Farmer Chris chases down a crying Ashley I. and tells her he doesn’t think she’d be happy in Iowa with him. (Apparently, we’re supposed to forget Big & Rich blew Farmer Chris’ cover as a secret city slicker earlier in the episode.) Then, he returns to Kelsey, tells her he’s not sure if “it’s there between us” and eliminates her too!

First some key quotes from the two-on-one date.

• Kelsey: “She has too much makeup on to be genuine.”
• Ashley I.:”I think her strategy today may be to slowly drive me insane… I just. can’t. even.”
• Kelsey: “I’m 28 years old, I was married, I lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And I’m going to remember that she thinks she’s playing a game, and I’m not.”
• Ashley I.: “I may be a virgin — but I’m sexy, and she’s not.”
• “My story is amazing. It’s tragic, and it’s inspiring, and it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed.”

But the highlight of the season so far is seeing the seven remaining contestants celebrate when they see that both Ashley I. and Kelsey have been eliminated. Some of them keep it cool, but Canadian Kaitlyn and Cruise Ship Carly know how to celebrate.

They even end the show with a toast to being “immeasurably blessed.” After a disappointing ending last week, The Bachelor delivered this week. Now this is a game show.