Highs and Lows of The Bachelor, Week 4

This week's Bachelor featured a camping trip, two virgins, about six great quotes and guns (as in arms, not firearms). Plus: A rare combination of wine and corn.

bachelor-corn

Unfortunately, I have some bad news about this week’s Bachelor recap: This will not be a wrap-up of the full episode last night. Thanks to the threat of snow, 6ABC cut in several times during the show to discuss the weather. To be fair, Action News meteorologist Cecily Tynan is more memorable than most—if not all—contestants on this season of The Bachelor, and the station probably only cut into a minute of the show. But The Bachelor is a complex web of intricate plot lines, and every second is necessary. I felt it necessary to warn you I may be confused this week.

Let’s get to the action.

LOW. The episode opens with Farmer Chris telling the contestants he wants them to do what “feels natural.” For some reason, this means going camping. And for some other reason, “going camping” means stripping and diving into a lake for two contestants (Ashley I. The Virgin Freelance Journalist stripped off her top, while front-runner Kaitlyn took off her bottoms). While I do encourage any and all nudity in lakes and on The Bachelor, this time it just felt forced.

HIGH. For the third consecutive week, Jillian received unnecessary censorship on her ass.

censorship-bach

This week, we also got a bonus shot of her mic pack as well. It must be uncomfortable to wear a bikini and a mic pack at the same time!

LOW. Kelsey was not happy during the camping trip at the lake. “This is stupid. I want to be where I want to be, and I don’t want to be here. As if this couldn’t get any worse. This is questionable.” Questionable! She was then immediately stung by a bee.

That wasn’t so bad, but check out the reaction online.

I’m beginning to get concerned that contestants are being smitten on this show for not taking The Bachelor serious enough—and by smitten, I mean the god’s-punishment kind and not the head-over-heels kind.

HIGH. “I’m a camping virgin, and I’m also a virgin camping,” says Virgin Freelance Journalist Ashley I., who was the unquestionable star of the fourth episode after three weeks of Kaitlynmania. With turns of phrase like that, I’m wondering why she isn’t Fully-Employed Journalist/Virgin Ashley I. (Later, we also learn that contestant Becca is also a virgin.)

LOW. “I want him to be like my grandpa,” Carly the Cruise Ship Singer says of Farmer Chris. Let’s… let’s just move on.

HIGH. After she gets an early rose from the camping date, Kaitlyn comes back with an excellent quote of her own: “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk.”

LOW. Back at the house the contestants not on the camping date meet Chris’ sisters, who interview them to decide which one of them gets a one-on-one date with the Farmer. I’m an only child, but I love the idea of a team of people related to you to vet a potential mate. The winner is Jade, who gets to go on a Cinderella-themed date.

But it turns out to be more of an ad for the forthcoming Cinderella, a live-action Disney movie starring the dude who played Robb Stark on Game of Thrones. At one point they actually just zoom in on a television and show a brief segment of the movie. And it ends with the creepiest thing imaginable one could do on a date, even on a game show.

bachelor-dance

With my rhythm, I would last about two minutes on that platform before tumbling off and seriously injuring a musician.

HIGH. Later, the contestants compete on a MuckFest MS course in wedding dresses. The winner is Jillian, who proves The Bachelor should be rated TV-MA because of her guns.

bachelor-guns

All this, and she says she hasn’t lifted in four weeks! Cindy didn’t take so kindly to losing to Jillian. “She’s a fucking dude.… Is her dick bigger than Chris’?” (She was bleeped twice, but I’m pretty sure this is what she said.) Not OK, Cindy.

LOW. Chris is mystified by Jillian on their date. “When Jillian’s talking, I get very confused, because the words come out faster than my mind can process.” He says that when he gets confused he begins “to think of unicorns and dancing fairies.”

To make things worse, he just sends Jillian home during the date. She doesn’t even get to make it to the Rose Ceremony. He didn’t think she was taking it seriously enough. Then, before the rose ceremony, he goes into the room and essentially flips on the contestants, saying: “I’m here to find a wife. And if any of you question that, you’re more than welcome to go home.” It was one of the more awkward moments on this show, which is saying something.

At the ceremony, he sends home Nikki (who?), Juelia (who he says should be home with her kid instead of being on this game show) and Cindy (“Chris, all I have to say to you is [long pause] nothing.”) Plus poor Jillian. But she’s going to land on her feet, as she’s already advertising Bachelor merch.

HIGH. And, finally, the three best quotes that one can append “on this gameshow” to:

  • Farmer Chris: “I’m here to take this as serious as anything I have in my entire life” (on this game show).
  • Farmer Chris: “I never thought Ashley I. was going to tell me that she was a virgin” (on this game show).
  • Juelia: “It’s really hard to say goodbye to Chris, it’s really hard to say goodbye to what I thought I might find here” (on this game show).

Till next week…

farmer-chris

That’s how I feel sometimes, too, Farmer Chris. I get you.