The Best Thing That Happened This Week: The Soda Tax!

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The news broke with a resounding pop and then schwepped through the city: Philadelphia had become the first major metropolis in the nation, so far as we could aspartame, to pass a soft-drink tax. While the soda industry fretted that sales would fiiz and fantanatics feared they’d lose the pepsi in their step without that spritely soda kickstart, health advocates colaed the tax a splendaid thing, since it will help Philadelphians diet rite. Some critics, notably Dr. Pepper and Dr. Brown, expressed frescacism that the move would raise the projected revenues, saying it would instead crush sales among the slice of citizenry devoted to soda. “RC Mayor Kenney barqing up the wrong tree,” Pepper stated, while Brown said the tab imposed by the tax will suppress new hires in the bottling industry. But even the New York Times sarsaparillaed that the move took moxie. Advocates for universal pre-K in the city who finally got their wishniak lauded City Council for its honest tea. And Mayor Kenney frankly refuzed to be anything but mello yello in the face of his critics, mugging for the crowds as he declared, “Oh, snapple. IBC-ing through these sierra mists to a sunny day!”

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