The Casual Eagles Fan’s Guide to the QB Controversy
Praise the lord, football is back again.
Okay, it’s not actually back just yet. But in a year where both the Flyers and Sixers missed the playoffs and the Phillies have played .500 ball all season, we’ll take Eagles training camp as a sign of hope. Sure, they’re the Eagles, so they’ll let us down in the end. But who cares! In July, we can believe.
For the casual fan, this is a year you might actually want to pay a little attention to training camp. Hear me out: The team’s new coach, Chip Kelly, ran an innovative offense at the University of Oregon and is adapting it to the NFL. He runs a weird camp, too; Kelly blasted music at the team’s minicamps to simulate what it’s like to play with noise on the road. We can only hope he plays “Diamonds on My Neck.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePwOi2p1SQ8
The other story out of training camp this year: There’s a quarterback controversy! No, it doesn’t matter that the season hasn’t started yet; this is sports. The Eagles have five quarterbacks on the roster; three of them will make the final cut. Literally any of them could be this season’s starter! Let’s take a look at which jersey you’ll be hoping to find on your bedroom floor this season.
G.J. Kinne
Pros: Good pedigree (dad’s a coach, he was originally a Texas recruit); threw 81 touchdowns in college; MVP of something called the “AstroTurf NFLPA Collegiate Bowl” in 2012.
Cons: Hasn’t played a down in the NFL; was on the Jets last offseason, so Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow’s terrible arms could have rubbed off on him.
Crucial YouTube clip:
Kinne had a great TD run in the aforementioned AstroTurf NFLPA Collegiate Bowl (the ATNFLPACB, if you will). He ran track in high school!
Additional information: Kinne’s father was shot by a disgruntled parent in 2005. Kinne was told his dad died, but he fortunately survived.
Likely outcome: Gone on first cut, signs to practice squad.
Dennis Dixon
Pros: Played under Chip Kelly at Oregon his senior year; has two Super Bowl rings (with the Steelers and Ravens); won the 2010 season opener while with Pittsburgh; has a pretty cool name.
Cons: Hasn’t thrown a regular season NFL pass since 2010; has only thrown 59 NFL passes total.
Crucial YouTube clip:
Dennis Dixon did not win the Heisman that year, despite this baby’s attempt.
Additional information: He played a season of rookie ball in the Atlanta Braves organization, hitting .176. He’d fit in perfectly with the Phillies!
Likely outcome: Impresses in preseason and gets 10 billion words written about him, but is gone on the last cut. Signs with eventual Super Bowl champions as a backup.
Matt Barkley
Pros: Was expected to be a top-round pick, except he returned to school for another year and fell to the Eagles in the fourth round; won a ton of high school awards, which still sorta count when you’re 22.
Cons: Stayed at school that extra year to win the national title but did not; weak arm, according to scouts; won a ton of high school awards, which mean nothing in the NFL.
Crucial YouTube clip:
Be sure to get Larry King’s take on Matt Barkley above.
Additional info: To tell his coach he was staying at USC, Matt Barkley made him a custom Christmas ornament that read, “One more year.”
Likely outcome: He’s slated as the third stringer, but after the season spirals out of control he starts the last two games.
Nick Foles
Pros: Started seven games for the Eagles last year, throwing 6 TD passes; second-year player who could certainly improve in his second season; previously had long, luxurious locks of hair
Cons: Started seven games for the Eagles last year, winning just one; goofiness approaching Donovan McNabb levels; cut his hair, which is silly: Don’t do that until you start losing it!
Crucial YouTube clip:
Nick Foles: Not quite the fastest man in the universe.
Additional info: Foles told the media he’s not here to be a backup, adding fire to the quarterback controversy that Chip Kelly refuses to end. (Kelly will still name a starter before the Sixers hire a coach.)
Likely outcome: Backup, but after Mike Vick’s inevitable injury he becomes the starter and loses a bunch more games.
Michael Vick
Pros: Eagles’ starting QB for most of the last three seasons; multi-time Pro Bowler who has won two career playoff games.
Cons: Eagles’ starting QB for most of the last three seasons; has been pretty awful since the Eagles’ miracle comeback against the Giants; convicted felon.
Crucial YouTube clip:
What would an Eagles starting quarterback be without a terribly tacky local ad?
Additional info: A 2005 lawsuit claimed Michael Vick used the alias Ron Mexico “for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment.”
Likely outcome: Starts the season, gets injured in Weeks 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6 before missing the rest of the season.
