Forget the Tea Party. The IRS Should Target Whole Foods Customers

12 people the taxman should chase.

I am so angry! I was reading this week how the Internal Revenue Service was found to be targeting certain conservative groups. C’mon guys, you’ve got some serious power at your disposal. You can make people’s lives miserable just by putting them on a list, and you’re wasting your time targeting the Tea Party? Really? Those guys don’t have any real influence.

But feel free to continue your targeting! We know you’ve been doing it for years now, so why hide anymore? Tell the public you’re providing a service and target the following.

The Phillies Starting Lineup. The Phillies payroll, at $159 million is the third highest in the major leagues, behind only the Yankees and the Dodgers. And as I write this the team is two games under .500 and one of the top teams in lost attendance. How are these players earning so much money? No one can figure this out. Maybe the IRS can.

Whole Foods Customers. There is a bonanza of tax fraud going on with these people. Why else would they willingly put up with overcrowded and cramped aisles, overpriced products, and employees who look down their nose at you when you ask where you can find a bag of Doritos?

Anne Hathaway. She’s annoying and makes too much money. And meanwhile you lockup Wesley Snipes over an honest little communication mistake? The guy was the man in Blade and awesome in Money Train. Stop targeting badass actors like him and focus more on the annoying ones like Hathaway.

Any public university president making more than $1 million per year. Have you seen this list yet? Penn State’s Graham Spanier made almost $3 million last year! And he’s just one of many cashing in on the backs of all those parents (like me) struggling to send their kids to college. IRS: Go to it. But don’t just stop at the presidents. Please expand your targeting to the board of trustees of these institutions who think that paying this kind if money is a good use of university funds.

Any group, business or organization with “geek” in their name. I’m sick of every technical person trying to endear themselves to the public just by calling themselves “geeks.” It’s not cute anymore. I’ve been calling you for hours, and all you’re doing is sitting around, drinking Red Bulls and googling tech support groups.

Wearers of Google Glass. Haven’t see these yet? Oh, you will. It’s a $1,500 (prototype price) pair of glasses made by you-know-who that will help people navigate through their day. “Google Glass, take a photo.” “Google Glass, call James.” “Google Glass, find sushi restaurant.” This is not advancement, it’s decay. And it can be stopped if the IRS makes it a point to target anyone wearing these silly devices.

The owner of that little dress shop in Bryn Mawr. Also, the owner of the little antiques store on Pine Street. And the owner of that little arts and crafts store in Cherry Hill. Look, I’m all about small business, and I’m a small business owner myself. But I drive by these little places all the time, and I scratch my head and wonder how in the world are they making any money? Something’s amiss

The Manhattan Moms at Disney. What a disgrace! A bunch of NYC moms allegedly paid disabled people to pose as family members so they and their kids could jump to the front of the “It’s a Small World” line. These people need to be targeted … and hired … by the IRS. They’re brilliant. These moms are heartless, ruthless and without morals. Sign ‘em up and get them working on tax fraud issues.

A few others to consider. School crossing guards who hold up traffic for 10 minutes so one little precious fifth-grader can cross the road (or bus drivers who stop and take 10 minutes with their red lights flashing so three teenagers can finally stop yacking and leave the bus). The people who order expensive and complicated drinks at Starbucks. The telemarketers who keep calling my home. The two people who were too busy texting on the Schuylkill and bumped into each other, causing an hour-long jam for thousands behind them.