The Official Drinking Game for The Following

It's like you're tossing 'em back with Kevin Bacon.

My plans to recap this week’s episode of The Following were rolling along just fine—until Jacob got in the shower (fully clothed) with Emma (mostly clothed) and Paul (mostly naked). What? If it wasn’t already obvious by now, you’re one of two people: someone who can enjoy a preposterous television show for its over-the-top drama and occasional jump-out-of-your-seat scares, or someone who’s not watching The Following.

As plot points go, here’s all we need to know about last night: Ryan has a sister; she makes great risotto; a trifecta of tragedy killed off the rest of their family (cancer, crime, 9/11); Ryan loves Claire but can’t be with her so she can move on (which, ironically, is preventing her from moving on); Jacob is the only Carroll groupie who hasn’t passed the Homicide 101 course; the convenience store girl is still in the basement; Weston’s name is Mike; magnets are Ryan’s Kryptonite; Maggie is dead; and the FBI has located the farmhouse, which has turned into a serial-killer sex commune (with complementary babysitting service).

Rather than trying to unravel each narrative thread—most of which boil down to either “Ryan is damaged” or “crazy people are capable of anything” (the only explanation for why Maggie would go “off-book” and try to kill Ryan, thus undoing years of Carroll’s elaborate scheming and turning his grand sequel into a rather short novella)—let’s do something different this week. The following is The Following: The Drinking Game. Perhaps you’re imbibing to forget what you’ve just seen, or to ease the stress of waiting for someone to get stabbed, or to enhance the show’s often-unintentional comedy. Either way, these rules are only a starting point, so please add your suggestions (and share ideas for coping with Tuesday morning hangovers, ‘cause this might get ugly).

Ryan says “We’re gonna find Joey” (sip)

Joey says anything at all (2 sips)

Claire asks Ryan to stay and/or offers to prepare him a meal (2 sips)

Mike reveals stalker-ish knowledge of Ryan’s personal life (3 sips)

Flashback to Ryan’s Brooklyn loft or the serial killer clubhouse (sip)

Flashback to Carroll in prison chatting with one of his groupies (2 sips)

Flashback to Carroll lecturing to awestruck college students (3 sips)

Carroll scene, present day (3 sips)

Carroll talks directly to the security camera (4 sips)

Edgar Allan Poe is mentioned (sip)

Quote from “The Raven” or “The Tell-Tale Heart” (2 sips)

Quote from any of Poe’s 126 works that are not “The Raven” or “The Tell-Tale Heart” (shot of absinthe)

Ryan looks away and makes his “I feel so guilty/lost/haunted” face (sip)

Emma brandishes a knife (sip)

Emma bosses someone around (sip)

Jacob acts like a bitch (sip)

One of the followers says Carroll will be very disappointed in someone’s action/inaction (2 sips)

Reference to Ryan’s heart problem (sip)

Reference to Ryan’s drinking problem (shot, preferably of vodka)

Ryan is shirtless (2 sips)

Ryan’s shirt is fully buttoned and his skinny black tie is tightly knotted (chug)

Debra thinks Ryan is up to something suspicious (2 sips)

Ryan rebuffs Mike’s attempt to bond (2 sips)

A nameless FBI agent shares new information about the case (sip)

Someone tells Ryan to show up somewhere alone and unarmed (2 sips)

A loud noise makes you jump (sip)

A sudden unexpected movement makes you jump (sip)

You find yourself watching half the show with your hands covering your face (chug)