Dumb Philadelphians Should Be Punished
Yesterday we learned that unruly fans at Eagles games won’t simply be ejected from Lincoln Financial Field this year. Now, those who get tossed from the Linc will have to complete an online course to regain their stadium privileges. The idea makes sense: It’s extremely easy to not get ejected from a stadium, so why not try to instill a little knowledge and courtesy in offenders? But, hey, Philadelphians aren’t always known for their common sense—or their manners. From blocking the box to texting and walking, there’s plenty of citizens who could use an etiquette lesson—and maybe a little punishment for good measure. Here’s what we’re thinking.
Blocking the Box. Anyone caught pulling too far into an intersection and getting caught at a red light should have to take an excruciating course to regain their driving privileges. It’s simple: Either you can make it through the intersection or you can’t. If you can’t, don’t try anyway.
Ordering on Your Cell Phone. If you’re in line at Starbucks—or any other place where you speak to service reps—and you attempt to place an order while carrying on a cell phone conversation, the barista should be able to confiscate your phone. You can come and get it at the end of the work day.
SEPTA Seat Etiquette. Seats should be filled in this order: Inside of the three-person bench, inside of the two-person bench, outside of the three-person bench, outside of the two-person bench, and then outside of the three-person bench again because the person in that seat should suck it up and slide over to make room instead of standing up and inconveniencing the rest of the train while the final person has to hurry into the middle. The train will empty out in a few stops anyway, so just deal with it. If you sit in the wrong seat you should have to take an exam with a bunch of seating scenarios before you’re allowed back on SEPTA.
Running on the Schuylkill River Trail. Especially during Broad Street season, things on the trail can be a little crowded. Keep right and pass left. Say, “on your left” if it’s going to be tight and the person doesn’t sense you approaching. If you don’t do this, you should be disqualified from the race. (Trust us. The starting line could user fewer runners anyway.)
Getting to Your Seat at CBP. If you have a low-numbered seat, then you should use the entrance between your section and the lower-numbered section. If you have a high-numbered seat, then you should use the entrance between your section and the higher-numbered section. This ensures that you’ll irritate fewer people when you show up drunk in the third inning and shuffle past everyone while bitching about that time Jimmy Rollins didn’t run out a popup two weeks ago. Can’t handle it? No booze for you, sir!
Following Traffic Laws on Bikes. Since the dawn of time, cyclists and drivers have feuded in Philly. The biggest issue with the cyclists is that no one has any idea whether or not they’re going to stop at stop signs and lights. So, if you blow through an intersection when it’s not your turn you should have to take a bike-ed course. In a classroom. With those horrible videos you had to watch in drivers-ed.
Texting and Doing Anything. Stop texting. Seriously, stop it. Don’t text and drive, text and bike, text and walk, text and order, text and talk, or text and anything. If you can’t manage to do that you should have to write “I will not text and ________” on a blackboard 1,000 times. In cursive. You can’t copy and paste chalk.