I Want to Get Stoned and Watch Shark Week With Ilya Bryzgalov

Of all the athletes in the history of Philadelphia’s professional sports franchises, you’d be hard-pressed to find two guys more people would like to grab some beers with than former Phillies Pat Burrell and Darren Daulton. Now, your dreams have been answered because for the low, low price of $125 you can tailgate with Dutch and Pat the Bat and then take in the Phils/Cards game on Saturday.

In the spirit of things, I decided to spend a few seconds minutes hours days thinking about what other sorts of events I’d like to attend or stupid field trips I’d like to take with Philadelphia athletes.

*It should be noted that, obviously, someone has already shotgunned going to the Zoo With Roy Halladay. So, I guess I’ll have to settle.

Get Stoned and Watch Shark Week With Ilya Bryzgalov. Last year, HBO’s 24/7 took us inside the road to the Winter Classic. Mostly, the episodes acted as an excuse to gawk at the language used by the folks involved with the Flyers organization. Also, the series allowed us a glimpse into the mind of goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov—a place you probably don’t want to be without a handful of emergency flares and one of those fancy GPS phones that the dinosaur ate (and pooped!) during the last Jurassic Park. I can’t tell you what I’d give to take a hit or two and melt into the couch as Bryz sat stupefied in front of a program on the feeding habits of great whites.

Go to Monday Night Raw With Freddie Mitchell. FrexEx nicknamed himself “The People’s Champ” (which was The Rock’s nickname in wrestling) and turned the championship belt celebration into a thing long before Aaron Rodgers could manage to put down Brett Favre’s clipboard. You know Mitchell’s a fan. Plus, he probably thinks John Cena is a jabroni, so he’d definitely end up getting in the face of an unsuspecting kid or five.

Eat at Shady Maple With Charles Barkley.** It’s a bit of a hike (out in Lancaster), but holy hell is the pilgrimage to Shady Maple worth the trip. Hundreds of feet of buffet line anchored by a gourmet omelet bar, waffle station and made-to-order pancakes. Yeah, I think Sir Charles and I will make ourselves right at home. I can introduce him to Louella (she’s been making my omelets since I was 14 so we’ve got a rapport). Also, any smorgasbord that has a gastric bypass surgery pricing table, is probably a place Sir Charles and I are going to enjoy.

**He can’t be on Weight Watchers or Whatever-the-Hell during this. I’m not interested in Charles Barkley asking me if I really need that second helping of hash-brown casserole. Yes, yes I do.

Go to a Water Park With Ryan Howard. The man has a lazy river at his Florida mansion, so you know he’s not messing around if he goes to the water park. Forget sweating in lines or rubbing elbows with strangers in the wave pool. I’ll be in the lazy river falling asleep. We’ll probably need to smuggle a drink or seven into the place, though.

Bear Hunting With Jason Babin. The Eagles defensive end had said that he planned to run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain this summer (it didn’t work out, though). Before that, though, he missed OTAs because he was stranded in Alaska in May because of poor weather while he was hunting for bears. Really. Basically, he’s certifiable and, though I’ve never hunted anything in my life, looking for bears in Alaska with Babin might be the kind of leap into the deep end of the pool that would get me to give it a shot (see what I did there?).

Play Beer Pong With Claude Giroux. The man destined to be captain of the Flyers had to have wrist surgery this off-season because Sydney Crosby (allegedly) is soft as hell and was slashing Giroux’s wrists during every faceoff in the playoffs. To his credit, though, dual casts didn’t keep G from workin’ some bros in beer pong and other tailgating games in NoLibs. I don’t typically spend much time in NoLibs, but running the table at the Piazza with Claude Giroux sounds like a good enough reason to make an appearance in Bart Blatstein’s hood.

Anyone have another athlete/activity pairing they’re interested in trying? Leave ’em in the comments below.