The 10 Best Sex Tips Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey

I couldn’t believe my good fortune when I collected the mail for my apartment building this morning. I live in a historically certified West Philly building erected in the early 1900s. There are five apartments in the cozy building, and naturally, the neighbors all know each other—and each other’s magazine subscriptions. When I see a Vanity Fair, I know it’s going to Jim, and if he sees Saltwater Sportsman, he knows it’s going to me (well, not me, but the angler in the household). Today, I learned that our newest neighbor has a subscription to Cosmopolitan—which frankly, I can’t believe anyone even reads anymore.

Cosmo depresses me. Every article or feature is all about pleasing him, keeping him, making him want you. It’s sad and embarrassing. It amazes me that men created semi-path-breaking female journalist characters like Mary Richards only to pave the way for actual in-the-workplace female journalists who now write headlines like: “The One Thing He Wants in Bed,” “Sensual Summer Massages Your Man Will Freaking Love” and “Wow Your Man With These Moves Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.” Cosmo’s sex tips always amuse me because they rarely vary and they’re invariably vanilla. But one year I remember a headline blast—”The Sex Tip Your Man Won’t See Coming!” or something like that—and it was a big change for them: It was about the butt. The guy’s butt. The advice was: Without warning him first, stick your finger up there right as he’s climaxing. Yep, he probably won’t see that coming. And you’re welcome. You just got that one for free.

The August cover story inspired by Fifty Shades of the Wrong Spelling of Grey initially promised to be more of the same bland tips Cosmo typically serves up (plus maybe some fingers up a butt). What, they’re going to tell us to put whipped cream somewhere? Be naughty and get a spanking? Bust out the handcuffs? Well, they do all of that. But I clearly underestimated the power of that horribly written book, which seems to have inspired the Cosmo staff. Here are my top 10 (brand names mine).

1. The Coin Toss (Wherein the Parentheticals Are Most Important): “Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”

2. The Name Game: “Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, “Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad, and I need a spanking.”

3. The CVS Trip: “Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.”

4. The Last Word: “Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it—the muted sensation feels amazeballs.”

5. The Next-Day Pedicure Appointment: “Order him to paint your toenails while you wear a mini with no undies.”

6. The “Do Your Ears Hang Low”: “As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.”

7. The Sephora: “Slick your lip-plumping gloss (the stuff that stings a little) on your mouth, then quickly kiss very sensitive spots on his bod.”

8. The Bed Head: “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower—wet skin is more sensitive.”

9. The Overly Complicated Trivial Pursuit: “Quiz him—what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc.—and if he gets it right, he’s earned 10 seconds of oral. Wrong, and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest.”

10. The Dinner Date: “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”