Funniest Lines from Joan Rivers’ New Book

Buy this book: I Hate Everyone... Starting With Me. You won't regret it.

Gay Pride month may be the perfect time to buy a copy of Joan Rivers’ latest book – I Hate Everyone… Starting With Me. Not only is she one of our favorite comedians, but she provides a hilarious summer read for anyone who may be hitting the beach or enjoying a mental health day after a jam-packed Philly Pride weekend.

Don’t believe us? Here are some of our favorite lines:

On growing up:

“My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.”

On getting older:

“My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!”

On babies:

“And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.”

On celebrities and their babies:

“Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.”

On gay and lesbian parents:

“I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.”

On child stars:

“I’ve always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes – just like the boys in Glee do.”

On Bea Arthur:

“Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel [at the Oscars]? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God’s sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood’s leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood’s leading men!”

On the term partner:

“I hate the term ‘partner.’ ‘Yes, we’re partners… This is my life partner, Teddy.’ Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are f – – – buddies.”

On manners:

“Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.”

On Paris:

“The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because ‘Balzac’ sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.”

On Tom Cruise:

“I hate Tom Cruise… In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a f – – – ing joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, ‘The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,” and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, ‘No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'”

For more from the book, pick up a copy at your favorite bookstore.