Lesbians + Straight Men = Fireworks on the Main Line

A (creative) report from the annual "Fourth of July Adopt-a-Lesbian Picnic and Hammer Throw"

The annual Fourth of July Adopt-a-Lesbian Picnic and Hammer Throw was an epic success, we’re happy to report.

More than 100 sisters of Sappho—many riding monster bikes—roared into Narberth, eager to be “friended” by those elusive straight men of the Main Line. They, too, showed up in force, throwing open their closet doors and chanting, “We’re here. We’re straight. We suck at rhyming.”

The event’s massive promotion led to a record turnout. This year’s slogans were flat-out brilliant. The best of the bunch were sold as rainbow-colored bumper stickers, suitable for straight men in Jaguars as well as Subaru-driving lesbians.

“Come get hammered by lesbians!”

“Dykes on bikes want to rev YOU up!”

“Let’s cruise chicks together!”

Naturally, sales were brisk. Also, the decision by the organizing committee to waive the registration fee paid off big time. More straight men than ever connected in buddyhood with the Main Line lesbians.

In fact, there was such an overflow of straight men, they were adopted in two’s and three’s by the lesbians. A couple of newlyweds even took in four to complete their “six pack” for watching sports, they said.

And if that’s not enough good news, a few of the heterosexual boys signed up for summer deprogramming camp! Once they complete the course and get certified as gay, they will be available for adoption by straight women of the Main Line.


After the picnic—a pot luck, of course—it was Hammer Throw time. This is the highlight of the season for Main Line lesbians. There’s nothing like the sight of a muscular gal in a wife-beater heaving a heavy metal object great distances to tickle the fancy of a patriotic lesbian.

Fortunately, better precautions were taken this year to prevent a recurrence of last year’s mishap, when an errant hammer set off fireworks and scared the bejesus out of the Narbs. Still, Narbs being as polite as they are, many stood and applauded the colorful display.

Several straight men wanted to participate, but were talked off the ledge, thank goodness. The hammer throw has always been a lesbian-only competition. That is part of its charm. The top three finishers move on to the Regionals, along with the top three from the annual Tractor Pull in Germantown.

God bless America.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This entire account is the result of the author’s over-active imagination.